for blondie's last day
2002-07-20 ~ 11:03 a.m.

it is the a.m. and that pretty much sucks. but...

hey, an early start to a new day, right? i can't even see the fucking screen. bah.

i want to be happy and excited, but i am going to end up hurting more before this is over. she pulled sensitive strings last night, refusing to go to bed...making her last night here stretch out into oblivion. and don't think the feigned innocence can hide it. i know manipulation well, it is a friend of mine. besides, i am not tht shallow and insensitive. i understand that there is a hurt beyond the fear of being here alone. there is a hurt that will hang around for a while...because you will be missed. i don't wish for anything different, but i will feel your loss. and i will feel like i did last night when you interrupted me in the kitchen.

you said you glimpsed the person i would become and that you liked what you saw. i am glad that you are going to like me in 10 years, but i want to be loved now.

and i don't think i should feel bad about that. it is no one's fault that i wanted more. maybe my expectations are too high and i will look at that...but i still want them attempted i guess. i will miss my little man too. he is a good boy.

there is a flip side, this is me ya know.

and that is that you have a chance at being happy...and just maybe so do i.

don't get too excited, it might be a little hope...but it is a small flicker in a vast darkness.

but you know what...it really all comes down to this for me. can i beat this? or will i let it beat me like it has my entire life? and i think...what kind of a choice is that really? and i think that when it is all said and done that i will be a better person that i won't feel so undeserving...so inadequate. that i will be loved and not shown all of my inadequacies.

i will miss a lot...

but i won't miss the fighting...or the resentment...or anything else we let it become.

and i am still scared...because i am scared a lot. but i feel a little more confident...just maybe.

because i don't want to end up not being able to live with myself for thinking i hurt you that much...for thinking that my past hurt me that much. to know that i am not whole, to know that i am incapable of so much...to be shown it all under a magnifying glass.

i want to live life like other people do...i want to enjoy things. i want to smile and have it be for real. i want to be loved and have it be for me...even the broken me.

and i am sorry...for not being what you wanted.

but i hope you are happy and i wish you luck...cause it really is important, even if it doesn't exist.

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