jumping around
2002-07-29 ~ 2:54 p.m.

so much to say all of a sudden....whoa

mel called and she should have a bryce by now...and i hope all is well. i wish i could wrap her up in my love and carry us both far away.

so...mel has a boi, but i have none. i am sad. i want my chad. i searched some military sites but could not find my boi. shame on the air force for taking my jester away to japan....bastards!

and then when i was searching for chad, i found a picture of Maddie....Madesta.

maddie, the fucking rock star! i miss maddie too! what the hell? no wonder i am so bored...i used to have friends, and they all got lost or stolen. Bastards!

but then i thought about maddie...and then i immediately thought of patrice pike (sister 7). and have i said that "free love and nickel beer" is a most excellent concept?? wooooohoooooo

and so now i am downloading all the sister 7 songs i used to have and lost.

and i need to go roll out some more mats....the mesh mats are the shit.

but first, toby

toby with the big eyes that are always scared, i can see him. it is weird that i can see him, but he is the most different. he can't talk...or chooses not to. and i felt him push yesterday for the first time...he pushed hard, wanted out. wanted to talk to you...wanted to be held...but was so scared. his head, my head...i hear him screaming, trying to form words...he is the one i didn't understand. he screams your name in the head...and it isn't right, he won't say mel...and he cries. i thought he was emotionally older, always so quiet and watching...but it is his pain that is unbearable to me. i have one single image that won't leave my head....i think "toby", this is what i get...

little boy, maybe 9 but small for his age, standing on a barbed wire fence looking out at something i can't see...something beyond the pasture and the treeline...something intangible, something he wants. wants more than red converse and his book. he got the hardy boys from my mom for christmas, but something else...it hurts to think of his eyes.

when did i start curling up on the floor beside beds....fetal position, shivering, scared....of what? i was a kid, little...and i would crawl into their room and not want to wake them up, so i would just curl up on the floor and try to make the images stop coming. they were dead...that was the demon that pursued me then. i was going to go in their room and find them all bloody and dead...and then what would i do? cause something is always wrong.

i wanted to watch the smurfs...i just wanted to watch cartoons. it was thundering and i was scared. and the lightening hit the tv and it flashed blue and started smoking...and there was no smurfs. and my arm hurt, and i got yelled at...and i shouldn't be so sensitive, but you shouldn't hurt me either!

so that is what i have of toby...for now.

back to the mesh mats and the bastards who stole my friends!

hearts with wings for mel...and even for bryce, though he called me a FREAK. i hope you are having fun.

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