rambling on and on....
2002-07-29 ~ 10:50 a.m.

(SMACK) Ouch... (shudder) hello again

today is a better day...i took my meds.

i think it has been a few days. i have been worried about not having the meds anymore after these prescriptions are out. but, i now remember why i need the ssri...i can't stay awake without it. the sleep is the bad kind, the restless dreaming kind...and i stay immersed in it for 18 hours at a time. no wonder i was so tired all the time.

i wish i could explain to anything, even myself, the feelings i have...

but i can't define them....can't understand them....they seem strange.

i need/want to try and make sense of them....and i get so frustrated when i can't....but one more go.

god, i seemed arrogant and spiteful...it is no wonder dee questioned me. picture me for a sec, however hard it might be...

but no one ever understood me before. there were those who got close, those who almost fooled me...but in the end...nothing.

dee was talking about the rapture with my mom. and i was just sitting in the chair, rocking and listening. i disagreed with all they said, but it wasn't my place...and then my mouth opened and i blurted out some random fallacy with her logic and kept talking. she didn't understand the incongruence in what she was saying...and i was sick of hearing about her angry god. jealousy is an emotion befitting of humans, not gods. so i explained that should the rapture happen, i was going to stay right here. and if i started to go, i was going to demand to come back. not because i didn't want to go...because if god is loving, he would understand and he wouldn't leave a world of confusion and fear behind without leaving them something...and why wouldn't it be me? this was not a selfless thought, it is logic...my logic. i am selfish, don't forget that.

yesterday evening is all runny and garbled, and that upsets me...there were some really strong feelings and it hurt a lot...

want...scared...hold...scream...shake...stillness...comfort...gone

and i feel like i am holding up a wall i don't even want...a wall for you, to keep you safe from me.

to block all the things i want and wish for, and need, and would choose above all else...those things which must not be spoken, even if they rip my heart into pieces.

but i won't spiral this time...i won't succumb to this. i will keep things better than myself, on a higher shelf.

and i lie to myself even when i quit lying to everyone else. and i end up here, completely baffled by the swirl of emotions for you...and i am scared...

scared because i want this time to be different. i want to be loved for real...not a second choice. i want to be those things that you won't let me be.

i want to feel safe in love...the one thing i have never felt and wanted more than anything.

i would line up the planets and the moons in sequential order if asked...but feelings are a strange world, and i don't seem to have any control over them anyway.

and i am still rambling, still can't really say what is on my mind...what is weighing so heavily on my heart.

and honestly, i don't really feel like i have a place to say anything, or ask anything...

and it hurts all the more because of how badly i want it to be. i want to be something important to someone...

i'd go so far as to say i want to be special to someone....but that brings to mind images of the short bus....and here we go again.

no more for now...i am going to go shave my head. i need a fucking haircut...i am beyond shaggy.

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