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spinning out of control
2002-07-28 ~ 2:13 p.m.
sunday afternoon at 2:13 pm... and the urge to die today is immense. and i have no good fucking reason to not let the demons win. i thought i might take stock in my life...and see what the tally is. so i did...and i lose. i have no fucking control over anything in my life anymore, and it is driving me crazier than i already am. but how do i fix what i have done? and today there is no voice in the fog... and i cut...and it stings, and there isn't a release in it. i moved to DFW to change my life for the better...and i ended up worse off. i have a house i am going to lose.... i have to search for a fucking roommate i don't want and can't live with.... i have to pay bills....and the fucking creditors won't take my blood... i don't even have my truck, so that when it is 5 am and i want to go home, i can't... and now, my brother says not to drive the truck, especially not during the day. he says it needs to be looked at asap, because trucks are not supposed to make that noise. and if i have put more than 5,000 miles on it since i got it i have voided the warranty anyway....fuck me. and so i sit here, unable to do a goddamn thing...can't kill myself, can't be hospitalized, can't even drive myself away from this fucking nightmare. my mom asked me to move home again...said i needed to be there. guess calling my mom when i am crying is not a good idea. and all i want is to make things better for everyone else...to make life a little easier for those people i care about... does it matter to anyone that i wanted so much more than this...and this is what i got? no...why should it? fucking bend me over again... Everybody knows that the dice are loaded Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed Everybody knows that the war is over Everybody knows the good guys lost Everybody knows the fight was fixed The poor stay poor, the rich get rich That's how it goes Everybody knows Everybody knows that the boat is leaking Everybody knows that the captain lied Everybody got this broken feeling Like their father or their dog just died Everybody talking to their pockets Everybody wants a box of chocolates And a long stem rose Everybody knows Everybody knows that you love me baby Everybody knows that you really do Everybody knows that you've been faithful Ah give or take a night or two Everybody knows you've been discreet But there were so many people you just had to meet Without your clothes And everybody knows Everybody knows, everybody knows That's how it goes Everybody knows Everybody knows, everybody knows That's how it goes Everybody knows And everybody knows that it's now or never Everybody knows that it's me or you And everybody knows that you live forever Ah when you've done a line or two Everybody knows the deal is rotten Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton For your ribbons and bows And everybody knows And everybody knows that the Plague is coming Everybody knows that it's moving fast Everybody knows that the naked man and woman Are just a shining artifact of the past Everybody knows the scene is dead But there's gonna be a meter on your bed That will disclose What everybody knows And everybody knows that you're in trouble Everybody knows what you've been through From the bloody cross on top of Calvary To the beach of Malibu Everybody knows it's coming apart Take one last look at this Sacred Heart Before it blows And everybody knows Everybody knows, everybody knows That's how it goes Everybody knows Oh everybody knows, everybody knows That's how it goes Everybody knows Everybody knows Leonard Cohen....yeppers
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