decisions and awareness
2002-08-07 ~ 5:00 p.m.

self destruction gets you nothing...

it doesn't make the demons go away...

it doesn't change the fates...

it just makes the journey longer, more dificult, more ponderous...er, perilous.

i had a dream that you called while i was soaking in the tub...just like you did. and you said that you talked to steve, just like you did...but in the dream you didn't say you talked to steve. you said you had done speed. which is why i asked you like 4 times what you said when it really happened.

someone made the rain fall...

and if i could pass out grains of faith to all i would wish to give some to...

because there is a secret place, way deep within me, that 'knows'.

and the knowledge that i have is that things really are okay. and i wonder if things being okay is just too scary....just too weird. and how odd for the undoing to be because things really are right?

and how long can one keep up with all i am trying to do? i can take, and take...and skake off. but even i know i cannot walk away unscathed. even i know that those things i take, with their claws...leave scratches on me. and it is not my place to tell you that those things you do to yourself, i feel. that they will eventually make me sicker than they could you....because something in me, the very core of who i am, can't lay beside you and not try.

and if i have no other task in this mortal world, then this alone would be worth it. that you are that special.

but it doesn't have to be this way. and i know. but i have made my decision, and it will not be unmade. it is done.

and god help me, i am aware.

...previously... ~ ...next...