to be finished...
2002-08-10 ~ 2:52 a.m.

muhahaha

"please wait while the wizard searches"

i have new hardware...

hardware...*sigh*

it is a beautiful thing, it really is.

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now, before i had to reboot and amidst my conversation with the scarlette one...i was trying to explain my entries of late.

not just the shortness...

and i realized i couldn't.

i want to write....but it doesn't come out correctly. i picked up a pen last night and started to write in a language i have never even seen.

and i feel compelled to do it anyway...

funny that.

i am a creature of habit. i am a creature of opposites. it is difficult.

what i want...what i get and what i deserve are all different, and it is hard to find common ground.

i was talking to the scarlett one about nobility. she invited me to michigan, to escape...experience some freedom.

and it is difficult to explain that escape and freedom are not what i want right now. i would love to say that i was choosing a more noble course, but i am not noble. i am not even very moral, i just care. and that could be mistaken for stupidity as well as nobility.

fact is, i want to wrap myself up in something true and something real.

escapism is an art form i mastered long ago...and i can't return there.

my undoing is too important...if only to me.

i said that i found a truer sense of freedom in the nobility of love...

i lost my mouse again...be back

i'll try to pick up where i left off. thank god the mouse is usb. i have been a free spirit, to take joan's verbage. i hated it. i am a creature of habit. escapism got too comfortable, and too much of a cross to bear. i had an interesting sort of evening. i kept wanting to crawl in to you. but the feelings you leave me with everytime you drive away remind me constantly of what it is i crave. and with the slightest touch i am somehow safer, somehow better. i can teleport myself...and revel in the feeling of being tangled up in you, with you. the feeling of you pressed against me...and who is holding who? and the "distance" never bothers me unless it is a gulf that i can't see across. the blind dead end where love is dead and cannot be reborn. that would bother me. but the other? it is understood. it is sucky to have no smoke. i looked down at this odd keyboard and lost my train of thought. well, it is still there...but my fingers don't want to type anymore. i need to find some music.

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