kristen hall and sick again
2002-08-12 ~ 6:01 a.m.

new playlist while i fuck with code...

i am pissed off at my computer...

fucking xp is going beserk over 512 of ddr. won't read or write the memory, gives errors out the ass and then shuts down completely. i wonder what the hell is going to happen when i install a full gig of 333 ddr?

*wicked laugh*

so...in other news....

i am still alive, as far as i know...and much to my chagrin at times.

i had a quiet evening, a seething calm replaced the rage and so i sat in the floor holding my knives and enjoying the grating of the serrated blade catching the other. then i decided that i might as well try...so i devised a plan to sell my laptop and see about keeping the electricity. and so i went into the office and sat down on the floor there and started with a third box. i need maybe two things to finish it out...haha, wouldn't ya know i need another floppy drive? *grin*

the visitors and a her went to the church en masse tonight whilst i was doing the above.

and mid-ram insertion the phone rang...

breakfast at ihop's. i have been heaving for days...and having eaten twice and been sick thrice since their first departure...breakfast sounded absolutely terrible. but ah, it is not logic that rules me these days.

and i apologize if i have been off today...my mood has been a little warped. and i have no idea why.

lack of meds maybe?

i just don't like what i am feeling...

unsettled, edgy, desperate

i am second guessing everything, i feel secure in nothing, my walls are going up...

i feel like a zoo animal...trapped and on display without understanding why

i have front 242 and tool for the sunrise...

the not quite a dream thing came back while i was sitting on the bedroom floor...and the urge to have myself committed was overwhelming.

i can't even write all the thoughts fleeting through my mind...

i looked up and i have a new playlist...kristen hall. and so i shall capture song lyrics and try to define this gulf i am in to myself...

"i know there's a voice speaking to me....oh, speaking through me *harmonica* and i close my eyes and i see...somebody i want to be. but just one look in to the mirror shows me what i most feared...incessantly time's ticking in my veins. i'm fading away."

"sometimes things bounce off me, but sometimes they cut right through, sometimes i get caught up in them...caught up in you. i can be steel, if that's what you need, i can be a screen door. but if you want more, i'm sorry...i gave everything. sometimes i get lazy, sometimes i think it's okay. my future looks hazy, i'm taking it day by day. baby, ain't it strange the way fate can twist with a single change. sometimes things bounce off me....sometimes they cut right through."

"...i'm walking in the light, flirting with the danger...i have questions, there are no answers. everyday i battle apparitions...i'm dizzy from the height and reeling with suspicion. i know it's crazy...and i know i've wasted too much time. i know these things happen for a reason, and i have mine"

"i'm not the hang around kind...i've got a fugitive mind...i'm insatiable as a shark, i've been known to prowl in the dark...i've been too long running. i just hope i'm not too far gone. i live by a code of my own. sometimes i bitch and i moan...but i've got a right to complain. the world gets crazy when you're insane."

"it's hard to make your way with open eyes, when you feel so much like crying. in these days of emptiness and pain you just never see things quite the same. it's hard to greet the world with no disguise, baby, in these troubled times. a little foggy is your fragile face, a little clearer are the lines. though you never seem to show the strain, there's a gauge of hatred in your veins. *harmonica* you can rise above this wind and rain...it takes a lot to keep a dream alive. don't stop believing, it's your safety line"

"i have given, i have given and got none. still i'm driven by something i can't explain. it's not a cross, it's a choice...i cannot help but hear the voice. i only wish that i could listen without shame. let it rain...let it rain on me. well, i have been a witness to the perfect crime, i wiped the grin off of my face to hide the blame. it isn't worth the tears you cry to have a perfect alibi and now i'm beaten at the

hands of my own game. it isn't easy to be kind, with all these demons in my mind. i do my best not to complain, my face is dirty from the strain...i only hope one day i'll come clean. *bridge*

"let me die trying...if i fall, at least my heart will have been true. let me die trying, i can cry tomorrow if i do"

i can't sleep at all, and i don't have a clearer understanding of anything...but singing kristen hall at the top of my lungs always tends to help my nerves a little. and at this point, my tummy will take what it can get...screw the rest. so to speak.

the tummy reprieve has passed...sick again. guess it didn't like my pun.

if the bathroom floor is as comfortable as it was earlier...well yeah.

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