until sunrise
2002-08-13 ~ 4:49 a.m.

just an hour or so till dawn...

and i suppose i should be thankful that i have bullets and no gun...

a garage, and no source of exhaust...

but i'm not.

that stupid fucking song is on repeat and isn't going anywhere....though kristen hall is in my head as well...just two lines..."a little foggy is your fragile face, a little clearer are the lines. though you never seem to show the strain, there's a gauge of hatred in your veins.

i have been angry...enraged...subdued...

but now...

now i don't know what else to do. i just know that i don't want to do this anymore.

i told you i felt desperate...

it is a new flavor of desperation.

it is cold, and hard...and single minded.

and though my hand is stayed when i am awake...it is no wonder i am afraid to sleep. and fuck me...i can't even say it. never in my whole life have i been unable to utter the extent of my desperation...even when i knew for a fact no one was listening. but a very still part of me says i won't say it outright, because it already has too much power.

i was writing a note when you called...was why i was crying. i don't often venture outside this box, but a real letter was called for. not penned, just a word file...but better than one of my lame ass rambling diary entries. i am not sure why i started the letter...doesn't matter really.

i don't mean to sound final....but right now i feel it.

something has to give...and at this point, i don't care if it is me.

i don't feel like i am spiralling...which is odd. i would give things over to nothing and let her try to carve some sense in to me...but even she is too tired. there is something else anyway...everything is so much quieter...everyone knows.

i found this in my offline journal...

-----------

Who goes there?

Tis just me, sir. Coming in for a bit of sleep before the night comes.

Sleep, eh? And how is that any one of us could sleep in these halls?

Well, but, sir? What do you mean?

The screams junior, don�t you hear them screaming in the back, boy?

Yes, yes sir. But they don�t bother me.

Well son, they should, and before our next anniversary they will get us all.

And so we pass, in a long hallway with wood floors and half white walls�.only this hallway is safe�.the other corridors are too narrow for passing. This one is okay.

------------

it's from months ago...and has never made any sense to me. this odd exchange. yet i know it is important.

the dreams are a lot worse and the chanting is louder at night when things are too quiet and the shadows threaten.

and my magical thinking part says to watch my back...that it's an old friend of mine back to pay a visit.

i cut my wrists once, intending to die.

i did a decent job on the left wrist...a little curving, but still straight and true to the vein. the right wrist was messy...and i blotched it and had to try twice. now, obviously i didn't die. as a matter of fact, it stopped bleeding...but the better question...where are the scars?

answer: i watched them almost vanish

magical thinking meter: fuck you

yes, i am crazy...but i am not that crazy.

which brings me back to my old friend. one of over 8 rustling black things with a name. it was the last to go...the strongest, by far. it was kay who fished out the name and called it out. it was then that i passed out into a swimming pool.

the next few days were the wildest of my life. my temperature didn't get above 80 degrees...and that one set of old scars lightened...and lightened even more. i asked them what it meant and she told me it was a physical sign for release.

and this could just be another visit...or i just need to be locked up. you decide, eh? i am sick of trying to make decisions.

i am unbelievably lost...and i wish i could say i am safe.

but i can't do anything else...none of my distractions are working. video games, drugs, hardware, satellite, books...nothing. my hearts isn't in it, and my mind is long gone.

and i am too worried about everyone else and their reactions to me to own up to my own feelings. because i don't want anyone to worry...there isn't anything to worry about.

i didn't make it past the kitchen when everyone left. and three puppies ran to me and tried to lick away the flood...and it just made me feel worse.

what the hell do you do with love? what the hell do you do with anyone caring?

most of my life i wouldn't allow anyone to even try to touch me...and god help the person who tried.

of course, that isn't me anymore...but the principles behind it are the same.

almost 18 years of my life and i hated affection. but i am a perfect example of that attachment thing. i would rather hate myself than blame someone else for hurting me. it is easier and it makes more sense. so, having dome that for at least 24 years...i expect to destroy someone with my inherent badness at every turn.

it has been overly ingrained that i am needy...that i require too much effort...i am jealous...i am constantly in need of reaffirmation or i don't feel safe...too moody...too skiddish...wayy too sensitive...too hard to love.

and i'll be the first to say that i am just not worth it.

we call it "baggage" in the lesbian world...and i practically own samsonite.

i just wish i was worth it. i wish i was easier...and okay with whatever...and not so impossible to love.

and you make me feel loved when you are here...and it is the greatest feeling in the whole world. this isn't about you, you know. it is my same old argument within the ranks...the way i feel about myself. not how i feel about you or anyone else...or even how anyone feels about me.

but i do know that you don't need my shit on top of everything else...which is why i worry and try so hard to smile and say that things are okay. and i want them to be okay...but i can't fix anything.

i want to be strong enough to get through this...but i don't think i can handle this at all.

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