hating what i have become
2002-08-16 ~ 9:45 p.m.

i don't really know what to say...

it is getting harder and harder each day/night to sit here, with nothing but my own thoughts to drown in.

and i keep pushing it back, further away...

but i don't want to be here anymore, doing things the way i have to do them.

it is aggravating that all i can do is sit here and think and wish and want...

as depressing songs float out of my speakers and seek the crevices in my heart, the folds in my mind.

it isn't enough to say i want my life back...because that just isn't entirely true. i have always wanted more than i could have...and that is my fault. and beating myself because of it is getting me nowhere fast.

i am just sick to death of wanting...

i hate being needy, i hate not being self reliant...i hate what i have become, but it is here...and i can't hate myself forever, or can i?

and part of me screams back that what i want is not so far-fetched...even if i will never be worthy of it...that it is normal, even...that as i get closer and closer to the big three-zero that i will still be right here.

and then the slap in the face comes...the huge wake-up call. because i already know what i can't have...

i just have no idea what i can have...and i am desperately afraid that as the nights run together and get more blurred...that i am running out of time.

yes, those would be clocks ticking...

you see, i had the most fascinating conversation today. and i re-learned some things...about time and our faulty concept of it. i also re-learned how temporal...how fleeting our time is. he said i would know soon enough, and in that swift instant in the parking lot, i was mortally afraid to die because i want a chance to live. i just don't want the pathetic excuse for life i have lived so far.

i want to go home so bad it makes me ache. i need things from there...i need balance and i need to see my stars. but even that isn't what takes the breath from my lips...

god, i hate this snivelling wretch that i am. i hate that even if i could muster up enough courage to confess what it is that i want...that it isn't mine to have.

i hate feeling like i was born with a hole in my heart...feeling unworthy...

i hate fighting this off...and i don't even know how much longer i can keep the show up...

but the thing i hate the most is a double-edged sword that is going to decapitate me...

this feeling of aloneness...this unbearable, too powerful feeling of being so utterly alone.

when the only sounds are my hard drive and whatever depressing music makes it to my playlist...

when even the dogs are depressed and talon just sits in the hall and yowls...

when i know that as it goes from light to dark...and darker, that i slip and lose even more ground...and my hold is perilous as it is.

and i hate this. i hate that i have become this. i hate that i feel this and am powerless. i hate that even though i hate this...i can't dodge the bullets. and they make a cool 'whooomp' sound when they hit...but damn, they still sting.

there was a time, so many years ago i have lost count, that to be anything other than alone was a job i had to do. and i keep trying to teleport myself to that time...under the false assumption that i was somehow stronger then. when in fact, i was just young and defiant...and rather naively stupid.

blondie, of all people, hit the mark and sailed through the hole in my heart when she said that the only reason i stayed as long as i did was because i just didn't want to be alone. how can one as weak and needy as myself argue what i know to be true? why else would i have been so hurt and so resentful of all the nights she left me so she could do other things? even i am not that stupid.

see? how pathetic.

no wonder i hate myself so much.

pardon me as i kick and stomp on that other little piece of me that disagrees. if i could drop kick it off the side of everest i would. anything to be able to stomach sitting in this motherfucking house for one more night...whatever it takes, right?

because this just can't be me...it just can't.

please, please just let this be some fucked, cognitive distortion that i can unlearn in enough time.

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