not big enough
2002-08-15 ~ 4:33 a.m.

my bear is dead and i have no more comforters...this is not good at all.

i will finish sewing up the bear's butt and curl up on the couch and then maybe when i open my eyes again it will be a new day...a brand new day.

i don't know how to put the bear's eye back on. you see, the dog ate the bear...and the second down comforter...and a quilt. and i sobbed like a baby...because it hurt. i never got much from my dad in the way of presents...but i did get this bear.

and so he will have black stitches on his red shirt and his butt...but i like the black stitches. they remind me of me. the stitches aren't straight cause i can't seem to stay big enough to do it right. there are patches with stitches all around them...i will take a picture and put it here so the bear can be properly respected for his rather terrible ordeal today.

in other news...there was a tabloid at the store that proclaimed the 'Apocalypse' and i had to choke back a strangled laugh at how stupid people really are. this is not something new folks...this has been coming for years, and the signs have all been given...long before now. oooh damn, there goes some more of my magical thinking. yeah, whatever Doc. you can fight my black and white thinking and my cognitive distortions...but my faith is solid and will not be undone by the likes of anyone.

i cooked dinner tonight...for people other than just me and the bear and the dogs. it always feels good to do that. of course, dinner didn't go quite as planned...there were 'events' in our area. and it would be unwise to doubt that jeremiah almost stepped out and met jesus tonight. err...dante, actually...but the result would have been the same. and honestly, i would have held him while she did it.

and i was doing fine...the anger was so justified, and i actually like dante. there is a part of me much like her. i even made the little spitfire pinky swear to me that she would kick his bony ass out of the car on some little scary texas farm road if there was any shit.

but then somebody said something about carrots and there was lettuce and dante was there...and then it's all a little fuzzy. i saw my arms though...and it makes me sad. i wish i could stop this. cause i don't mean to be little and afraid...and i shouldn't be, and i don't expect anyone to fix it or even put up with it. i know better. besides, it is ours to fix...and we can do it. and maybe then i will be a knight or something cool and get to ride a dragon and carry a sword.

and it might be bad for us to interact...but i like dante a lot, and it is fun to wiggle my nose at her, and the knife didn't scare me at all. but then something weird happened...and i wasn't in front and the c wasn't in front...i dunno. but i do know something.

wanna know something? i have a bracelet. i have gotten five bracelets (not counting hospital bracelets) in my whole life. the first one was a little gold bracelet with a heart on it that i got when i was 4 or so. the second was a disneyland bracelet that Mrs. Betty brought back for me when i was 10 or so. the third was an id bracelet that sheila, my sister-in-law, got me when i was 13. (the one i still wear) the fourth was the way colorful bracelet i got in the hospital. but this one i got today from mel...and it says "soul friend" in gaelic...and it is silver and small and it is the sweetest, prettiest thing i ever got, except for my bear. it isn't even my birthday...and i don't know quite what to say. thank you just doesn't seem to do it justice.

wanna know something else? i have a note. i am gonna pin it to me with a safety pin...if i can find one.

wanna know something else? i am going to grow bigger ears...i am. i will find a way. cause then when i feel sad they will be droopy and when i am happy they will be all twitchy.

guess what? nope...that's not it.

you would never guess. never ever in a million and five blue moons. i like harvest moons better though.

toby is going to talk again. he is gonna practice and not stutter and not scream. not sure how this will work...but it is important

and i ain't mad at nothing for the cutting...i saw the face in the mirror and sometimes that is the only thing that makes the crying stop. eyes get all scared and the faucets get broken and i hide in brer rabbitt's briar patch with the tar baby. do you remember the tar baby? he is my friend.

i'm not sleepy and i don't want to go to bed.

did you know that squiggle and wiggle and jiggle all rhyme with giggle? that is good. do you remember the last time you giggled?

i wish i wasn't so lonely. i don't like people much...but i have been so sad when everyone would leave this week and i can't explain why without upsetting the balance.

ashley railed into me...not her today. and i just sat here and cried cause i dunno what else to do with a dead bear. she is mad and hurt and jealous...and she doesn't understand why i just can't understand the big problems with the way i think. so i tried to explain...and she said "does everything have to be so black and white with you?" and so i said "duh"...cause it is, even if that isn't right. and it is being worked on but it isn't fixed yet...there is so much to undo. it is her birthday today though and i still do like her, so maybe i will call her and sing off key so she will laugh. i dunno. this is hard. terri had a birthday too. but terri never left me at home sick so she could go away when i had a birthday...so that is easier. and there will be another trip to fort worth soon. i saw that thing for the big ticket and it is omni tickets and tickets to the planetarium and stuff. and we should go to that if mel wants to. and then we will go see terri and willow. i saw willow through the window...she is my pretty puppy. she ate lots of stuff too when she was a puppy. but she was smarter, she knew to eat rolaids when she ate something bad for her tummy. smart puppy.

that wasn't a yawn...it wasn't.

i like days like today...cause she is too tired and too upset to care what i do and i can talk and talk and eat all the crunchy lettuce and that is a good thing. as long as i don't bother anyone or do something stupid. but i wouldn't do that on purpose.

there are ice cream sandwiches in there...and orange crush and grape crush cause mel likes grape. i like orange. i never had a real life friend like her. i hope that is okay. i always wanted a real friend. i am not so little as i everybody thinks i am anyways. i have a big important job but i ain't telling what it is. sides, i eat better than anhyone else. i wish i didn't have to go to therapy. i wish we could go to therapy and then go to luby's.

i wish i knew what was going to happen to all of us. it is scary. she keeps being really really sad and then really really mad...and then really really tired, and you know i feel it too. everybody does...

i wish i could keep talking forever, but i already hear the bells...and that means i better shush cause there are things we can't talk about. but i dunno why.

i know lots of stuff. i know toby better than anybody else and molly is just like my very own doll...and we aren't made up...but i know we aren't really real either. and i know that i was locked up for a really really long time and only they got to do stuff, but i think maybe i can do stuff too sometimes now. cause mel doesn't hate me and she isn't mean. doc is mean to me. i know more than just about anybody else and he never wants to talk to me. that hurts my feelings cause just because i am not as big doesn't mean that i don't count does it?

i have talked too much. i bet this whole thing gets erased like it did last time.

wanna know something? i am going to eat an ice cream sandwich and lay on the couch and watch cartoons. and maybe when i wake up we can go to that place with the sandwiches and the lettuce. or maybe it would be okay if just for a minute i could snuggle with you. cause you are awfully nice.

my bear only has one eye and stuffing coming out of his butt but he isn't dead at all...and i am gonna fix him all up.

wanna know something else? my favorite word is wiggle.

night, night

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