i am quite pleased with myself that the damn mouseover color changer is working...yes, yes i am.
i took sleeping pills. some calming voice echoing around in my head told me to. tonight, err...this morning...i cannot remain awake. before she left, after whatever happened...things got really quiet, then they got really loud. someone kept singing the old children's song about jesus loving all the little children, someone else was screaming that they were just waiting until i was alone to claw their way through to get me and the image of vultures swarming around my head wouldn't go away.
and i wonder what happened...what he told you. i wonder why my house feels strange...why i feel strange, i feel the need to recover everything...again. if i sit here long enough, i can fish for pieces of it...but i am making a choice to not do it. these are the demons i have battled in the wee morning hours for a large majority of my life. to date, only three other people aside from you have ever come close to understanding. that was the night in my parents house...with rod stewart singing forever young in the background...that things came unravelled and i made a mess for the first time. and i am stopping this now...not going any further, even if the sun is coming up.
besides, you gave me something better to think about...something much better and i thank you for that.
because i could happily drown in your eyes...could be swallowed whole by your mouth...could hold my breath waiting for your touch...
funny how it works inside. and part of me wonders if i wasn't a tad manipulated...sometimes i am just not sure what all you know. but the surest way to get me back and keep me here for a while is to kiss me the way you did...say what you said...even hint at desire. and nobody runs around in the background, gathering up everyone and tucking them in, then retiring with the latest issue of the national enquirer...with something of a smirk on his face. and i was thankful he took vamp too...maybe he understood that what is fun for her is intense and much needed for me.
and it is really all about closeness to me...and tonight/today i am all about that.
...previously... ~ ...next...
