well...well...well...*small smile*

i have shit to say...empty slate, chalkboard brain.

most definitely drank too much barium before the x-ray.

today i made lists. list of things to sell. list of things to do. list of things to not do.

timberlawn called....thay want their money. how funny. bahahahaha

tomorrow the water gets shut off i think. bye-bye water.

so much for the new grass i just planted. maybe if it rains this weekend i can collect water in a big tub.

i am selling all my baseball cards...all the many thousands of them. for pennies a piece...*sigh*

i need to sell everything i own...

i am even thinking about selling all my curious george stuff.

part of me wants to crawl in to a dark hole and stay there for a very long time...

but i am shrugging it all off.

"circle of friends" is playing...and i actually feel sorry for the song. i remember this being my favorite song for so long...believing this song suited my life as perfectly as any ever written.

dig it:

"But I quit. I give up.

Nothing's good enough for anybody else

it seems.

But I quit. I give up.

Nothing's good enough for anybody else it seems.

And being alone

is the best way to be.

When I'm all alone it's

the best way to be.

When I'm all alone it's

the best way to be.

When I'm by myself

nobody else can say goodbye"

no more. it just can't happen. i will not self destruct.

i have no pity...no compassion for self destructing, even when i do it.

temporal vs. perpetual

and i ask myself...how can the pain be perpetual if life is temporal?

exactly. it can't.

and i just won't be in this place anymore. i just won't.

bad things happen in life. and they happen to the best people and it sucks, and as long as this world is hovering on the brink of it's own destruction this will always be the case.

acceptance? not really

i am just not going to sit still and take it anymore. that is all.

i still hate myself. i am still depressed. i am still suicidal. i am still all of those things i have been for a very long time...

but the blood flowing through my veins has taken a new course. i have yet to map it all out...

even when the darkest hour has wrapped its wings around me, i will not be moved.

i am sick to death of the bitching and moaning and complaining. bitch and moan when a fucking bus runs over your big toe and you die of gangrene. complain when the world straps you to a post and sets your ass on fire. do whatever you want...just don't expect the same old show and dance from me.

my patience has run thin...and has now run out. (that is my patience for myself, of course)

i could make a list comparing the shittiness to what is good...and i see that the shittiness is longer, but this isn't about lists or scales.

it is how you feel at the end of the day...it is how you feel when this temporal life gives you up.

and i won't be caught wallowing. i am stronger than that. i will be stronger than that.

tomorrow is my session with doc.

and very soon i am going to go to stream and take my job back...but there needs to be some creative scheduling done. we shall see what dave can do for me.

i have been fucked over by everything and everyone i have ever given a damn about. logic would say for me to quit giving a damn. well...screw logic. i just won't be fucked anymore...i have been as low as i am going to go right now.

so go ahead...tell me how bad you have it. tell me why you are wallowing...and watch me throw back my head and howl at the moon.

perhaps it was delirium...perhaps i truly am 'that crazy'...but my little conversation with david changed a lot of things for me.

i quit being thankful.

i quit staring at the sky in awe.

i quit feeling the magic in everything.

i quit loving.

i quit believing in fairies.

i quit embracing my youth.

i quit being true to myself.

i quit choosing to live.

so now, i quit the part of me that quit all the things that ever made me smile.

i have better things to quit...like wallowing and sinking and doubting and spiralling.

notice i made no mention of smoking, cussing, sleeping late or being enthralled with magical thinking.

dig this:

"Start the car and let's you and me back away from all this misery. Shift the gears and let's get out of here today cause it's too much for me. I'm not a weakling, not by far, but I've had all I can take. Once you've got it certain who you are -- you find out that's your first mistake. What the hell is going on? Do you know?"

yep...tis more of an edie. a song called "what the hell" on an unreleased album. i am digging it.

*big grin*

...previously... ~ ...next...