i cannot stay the tears. i cannot.

something inside me hurts like a wounded animal.

crucial elements grasped briefly and lost. make that tossed, i fear

and my fingers want to keep typing and i don't want to let them.

and i wonder why i fight this...what is it that scares me so?

and it all comes rushing back with a chill that mirrors my heart.

raging and screaming...and having it be understood...and then sitting down in refusal. that is me. a really accurate picture of me.

i am afraid not for myself but that i am wrong. and if i am wrong, and my mouth is open and my fingers are typing...then it no longer affects just me. and that stays the pen and keys.

and so the point of therapy....the point of this stop in the journey is to no longer be stayed by the overwhelming feeling that i am bad...that i am wrong. that i have a mark of the wrong kind. of a blood covenant i never made. and what a legitimate fear.

but what of faith? what of what i know...what i believe?

what will become of me?

and everything in my head screams that i should vanish....that it would be better for all if i did.

how does one do battle with an immense feeling of nothingness...of badness.

i can't get this song off repeat.

something needs to happen. some kind of fleece...something. i will not hang here on my own wits anymore. treacherously thin ice i fear.

...previously... ~ ...next...