if i scream at night there is a reply of blue silence...

and if i scream right now, who gives a shit anyway.

i stumbled out of bed a minute ago, and took some more "go away for a while" pills...

stupid fucking green gelcaps..."Guaranteed to make you fall asleep fast."

well, not fast enough. not fast enough to stop my the whirlwind of my mind from scattering dust bunnies all over.

tiny little pieces of confetti keep falling in my head...and each one i pick up tells the same story with just a few letters.

nothing will be the same tomorrow, you know. except everything.

the longer i sit here, enveloped by the silence, the longer i think...

the more i realize that i could sit here all fucking day and for days afterward and nothing will change.

i wish that i had someone to consult on these things. a voice of reason. but there is trouble in denmark, aye. i am reeling. flipping back and forth too fast to keep count.

chain-smoking, writing, making lists...weighing pro's and con's.

and this place, this time, today...is being outweighed. but don't worry...i am too fucking helpless to even go outside. much less pick up the phone to hear some sullen voice on the other end begrudgingly agree to do something not really wanted, or better yet...the overly-friendly, beyond scripted request that i send money.

how long do you think i will keep this up? how long will i keep up the facade, one mask after another...being worn thin and being replaced. to what end am i doing this? is this going to make it better? make it easier to take another breath? don't think i don't hear the whine of the engine as the tires spin and spin. where do i want the tread marks this time?

i have shit to do. really.

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