one other thing...as i am writing this email.

my beliefs might be magical thinking to you, sir. but they are mine. fundamental, not exactly...but not too far from the path either.

what you had me write me today, coincides perfectly with all the talk on self-fulfilling prophecies. and it is strange that you can't see that.

words have power. both spoken and written. and you might think you worded it cleverly enough, but you can't toy with death. i can't put those thoughts in to words. i can't give them that power. but i wrote them down anyway...and now i have to find a way to undo it. and i have no energy, i am drained, sick of everything that i am, that i have been, that i am becoming, and i don't have the faintest idea of what to do with your re-worded words.

i am going to walk away for a while, and yes...this might be avoidance. but really, isn't this what i am supposed to avoid? i am over my head in grief, but i can feel this. i can feel sad and now i can even cry without apologizing...but i am not even going to look at that journal until i know a way to make those words not have the power that they have with me.

so, my best shot at 'avoidance' tonight is not being here, like this.

karen is offering to help me prostitute myself to raise money. seems she wants to be a pimp and get to wear tacky clothes and drive a horrible car. not exactly a pleasant mental picture...but hey, i will work with what i have got. besides, that is pretty funny. two dykes out on harry hines dressed up like halloween. laugh, go ahead...i almost am.

i have decided to not write that email to doc...at least not right now. i don't know how i could explain my beliefs to this man anyway.

i think i will make a long overdue phone call instead.

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