what should i say?

i have nothing to say.

the minutes are ticking by, and if i get bored enough i will count the seconds.

i have been tweaking xp some more...that is a mid-level boredom activity.

but my mind is still going, even through the deluge of dll files.

last night...was last night. until i never finished checking the mail. until i went to bed. until the first time i closed my eyes...too scared to be too close to her, trying to figure out the boundaries and such...and i saw the day. i heard the sirens first. then a thin haze of smoke with the smell of burned tar and blood. eyes and nose were burning, there, with my head on the pillow. backtraced in my mind...struggled for pictures, glimpses. two eighteen wheelers and a tractor trailer...three cars, and the truck not being able to avoid it. so i opened my eyes, using the tricks of the trade to talk myself down. she was sleeping...or spacing...or both. eyes open, staring at the celing...close eyes for a repeat with more detail. try to wake her...open eyes...again.

eyes open...hear too many noises...big rumbling like zero gravity being hit above you...then the ceiling fan spinning...just spinning for almost twenty minutes with me staring at it.

four times and i made a choice. no going anywhere for me today. fucked up the plans of course, i am good at that. i would like, just for one day, to have her company without some obligation being attached to it...to be able to get something to eat and go see the movie without the disaster in my head. without the disaster that is my head.

but i have questions that won't let me be right now...questions for which i am beginning to doubt will ever be answered. or maybe just now accepting.

and as for the other thing, it is rather like walking through a pasture. when you get home, and even along the way there are burrs. i know what they are and i am well acclimated to picking them out of my socks and jeans, head and heart. i don't have immense wisdom or even strong wit, there is certainly no beauty to fall back upon should my head fail me...but not everything is in my head. and not everything is just a random thought. and i have been through this pasture before...that is why i step so carefully. take the precautions that i do. do everything i do. and i do it in hope.

days like just the last few really try to fuck with my hope.

no more.

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