i wonder why my throat has such a huge lump in it, why i can't even find the words in my head to set this straight.

to figure out just what it is that i have gotten myself into.

i want to hit something. trey did offer to let me beat the shit out of him...i should have taken him up on it.

i laid in bed yesterday morning and envisioned setting the bed on fire, wanted to desperately. the only reason i didn't do it was because i wasn't sure what the fire marshall might think...legalities and such.

i want to destroy something...something other than me. i want to understand these dreams that won't let me be for the last weeks. i want to believe more than anything that they are not true...but how can i? i sure as hell won't get any answers to any questions i might ask...and if i do, i need a weight and measurements system to understand them.

these are the dreams i don't talk about. not nightmares, or terrors, just visions. just, and i spit the word out. i haven't had them in a long time...not since another time and another place.

but here it is, all laid out for me to see. and i look and i turn away because no more tears will fall. i am too tired to cry anymore today.

he is still awake, of course...and talking. "this one time, at boot camp..." and i am trying to pay attention, to listen and comprehend...but i can't.

the gears are spinning too fast. way beyong my control. and looking over the past 24 hours and my activities...well, now i am in overdrive. i wonder if i came equipped with four wheel drive...or if could even pay to have it added on?

defense mode has taken over the ball game. don't ask why. don't ask me a single fucking question. don't come near me. don't touch me. don't lie to me. don't try to make it all up. don't don't don't do a single goddamn thing.

my world is not all black and white doc. there is red there too. just no gray. no fucking gray.

i took the pill, thanks to her, and i will lay on the couch and go in to that place i went to yesterday morning after she left. what choice do i have?

fading in to black.

ah...but it is all about choices. so fucking make one already.

there will be hell to pay for this, as soon as i figure out where to send the bill.

i wish he would go the fuck to bed already. godfuckingdamnit.

holy fuck...he just said not to wake him up when she gets here to take me away. ummmm...no.

back to wherever i was...

i am listening to the song i have devoted to this particular phase in my life. been listening to it for over a month now.

~I know she said it's alright

But you can make it up next time

I know she knows it's not right

There ain't no use in lying

Maybe she thinks I know something

Maybe maybe she thinks its fine

Maybe she knows something I don't

I'm so, I'm so tired, I'm so tired of trying...

And I know that when she said she's gonna try

Well it might not work because of other ties and

I know she usually has some other ties

And I wouldn't want to break 'em, nah, I wouldn't want to break 'em

Maybe she'll help me to untie this but

Until then well, I'm gonna have to lie too...

It seems to me that maybe

It pretty much always means no

So don't tell me you might just let it go...

The harder that you try baby, the further you'll fall...

Just like a tree down by the water baby I shall not move

Even after all the silly things you do~

yeah, so i butchered them...just like i am butchering lots of lyrics tonight.

tonight i am torn. tonight i am tired. tonight the one person who i need and want to talk to is apparently dead to me.

i think too much, stay in my head too much. until he comes in and takes over and then, well...watch out. because while one of his goals may be to have me dead, it is his job to make sure i don't get fucked. i wish i knew the things he does...even though i don't like the glittering edge of the blade he weilds...i know that i am not the target this time.

i just want, for one time in my life...to have it be true. to have it be all mine. to not have to fight demons that i didn't bring in to the picture.

so you...you bastard, who i don't even know...get the fuck out of my head. or he is going to break lose and destroy everything.

gods, i am rambling...i took the little pill you know. that makes me think about her. her. mythical creature of deep meandering secrets that she is, and that she walls away. i get to know what she wants to me know. that really hurts. but don't tell anyone.

cause what right do i have? me...stupid, broken, shattered piece of shit that i am...yet still offering my whole world to her. what is left of it anyway.

eh, fuck it...it is all in my head anyway...right? i am through thinking. done analyzing. i want to talk today. i want to rest easy, with some sense of where my life is headed...because i need something more than this swimming haze of madness in my mind. fuck...i deserve it.

...previously... ~ ...next...