fleeting good-bye...

so fast i didn't even have to pay the little ticket guy.

as it should be, as it is.

driving back with my thoughts as scattered as brittle leaves whirling and twirling in the wind...

i pulled in to the parking lot at stream. didn't even think twice about it. just did it. then i realized why as i circled through to leave. when there is nothing else, i throw myself in to work. i wanted to go in today, do payroll, do something...anything.

be the cold bitch with the plastered smile, not feeling. not having to feel.

i came home, turned around and had to go back out for coke. called my mom. we talked for over an hour. seems she has been mulling over some things and wanted to talk. so we talked. then she said she had some news. the house was burned down last night. yes, burned down. and now what is left is being buried. if i was sad before, i have new depths. she said dad got good and drunk and he and uncle danny and my mom watched it burn. like a bonfire i guess...with lots of beer. the place i grew up...is gone. and now, i don't have a home.

i would be sick, but there is nothing in there.

last night the dreams came back. last night was hard. every time i pulled her closer i cringed because of not knowing really where things stand. and while i am okay with it, it is disconcerting. and the dreams...

i was back there. in the dirty little house. being left, being afraid, and then not being at all. and then i was as i am now, a great big grown-up. mel was even with me. i was confronting her, her mom, and then her brother. her mom said she had always known. i told her mom i still had nine months, and she cried. and driving mel to the airport i did the math in my head...and i do. i have nine months left before the law lets them go. and then i was little again, little and barefooted and hungry and dirty. and i woke up wanting to scream out and sob...but she was already tossing and turning and i didn't want to make it worse. i have nine months.

and so my mom wanted to talk about it. wanted to know why i never said anything, why i told the lies i told. so i explained it the best i could...because the world of webs is no longer a place i will exist in. there is nothing about it and what it does that is worth it to me. i talked about how when you are a kid there is no reasoning, there is just feeling. and i thought i had done something wrong, something bad. something so bad that i could never be loved. and she tried to understand and maybe she will in time, but she thanked me for being honest and said she appreciated it more than anything i have done.

so...i have no idea what to do with myself. so i am going to give my poor truck a bath, it has gotten very dirty. and then i will clean like i am ocd. and then i will sit here until it gets dark and then i will sleep to dream.

and then i will start to get ready to go back to work, because when my heart is lodged in my throat, work makes me forget.

and until then, i get to sell everything i own. because there is no money for a fence, and a fence must be built soon or i am in all kinds of trouble.

and for her...i hope she enjoys her trip and does those things she needs to do.

and for me...i am not likely to pine away, i dissociate for reasons. *small smile*

so be it.

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