trouble in shangri-la
2002-10-13 ~ 11:24 p.m.

it came unglued...

there was no bar, or at least no me at a bar...

hester called to ask me what the fuck? exactly.

said i was on the phone...she heard the tone and let me go.

it only took three hours to get at the truth, but it is done.

and since no one posed the question to me i'll answer here..."no, i wouldn't have it any other way"

talking to shane about love...about not being able to write or say what you really feel...how what we want and expect seems so overwhelming to some...i said "true love is not for the weak, it is for those strong enough to with-hold the storms"...i am right, i think

i've been backspacing...a lot.

not to say that i am not still very much okay...because i am. not to say that my progress has slid backwards...it hasn't.

there is just always something on the horizon, blurred by the setting sun, that you don't see clearly enough in time to avoid collision.

so i resemble a train wreck...i'm still kind of cute in my disarray.

and in all of it, i got a good memory. i remembered that i care a great deal for everyone in my life...and that i am that way because i choose to be each and every day. that no matter how hard i might wish to be a bitch, to be cold hearted, to not care....i think my corner of the world is a better place when i do. even when it does come crashing back down on my head.

and i realize that in the choices i have had to make...and the things i have done...

that i have opened myself up to a world of unimagined hurt. that this path might as well be made of broken glass and the halls thistles and thorns...

but dammitt...i have hoped and i still do hope...

and even if it all falls down and lands a long way from me...

i'd do it all over again in a minute.

i would take every thorn without ever having felt your lips upon mine.

i don't even hesitate on the thought.

of all things, jack just called me...at midnight. we shall reschedule for another day and time...i'm not in the mood to do any explaining in that direction tomorrow.

i am just going to sit here and talk to shane...and be pathetic if i want...

"i thought i turned my heart off" <--shane

and it would be nice to be able to do that...to be able to claim that...but they make pacemakers... so we all know better than to buy that excuse.

tonight it's just me and muisc...

and of the people in my life i wish these things...

for shane...i wish him to be laid. just like an egg.

for ash...i am sorry that i am going to vanish from you life for lying to me, especially when you never needed to...and you did anyway. i sincerely hope you cry yourself to sleep and drown in the betrayal.

for terri...i wish rainbows like skittles, and two houses full of love.

for trey...a lifetime of willow's smiles, and one of your own to carry through.

for hester...i hope the new happiness you are finding in another's eyes works out.

and finally...for the pirate.

i wish the world.

"You can consume all the beauty in the room, baby

I know you can, I've seen you do it

And it brings up the wind

And it rises around you in pillars of color."

nothing more...

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