she was dragged from the house
2002-10-17 ~ 5:49 a.m.

i had decided to shut this one down, after the fascinating blow-out with ashley. violation tends to piss most everyone i know off. myself included.

...and then i got drunk, which i am still experiencing....and decided ....fuck that shit!

i can write anything i want any damn place i feel....and if someone reads it who shouldn't be and they get their feelings hurt or they find something out they didn't know...they demanded the 'insight'.

people forget the concept of a "diary"....this is not where i am chronicling my life, though sometimes i do that as well....this is where i would be writing about what i think and feel at the moment. easily taken out of context, misunderstood and misconstrued.

i am not sure when i was last this drunk...when i was last this way at all....

tonight i watched a 35 year old viper devour a 23 year old mouse....and karen and i sat and shook our heads. and i was pleased to note that said mouse, who might actually be a pixie, handled herself quite well...though she was in fact at least partially devoured. i had forgotten how to make small talk...how to get to know people. how to sit in public without someone i view as 'safe' being nearby. there was music, it was loud enough to distract anything other than conspiratorial chat, which i always enjoy.

dinner was awkward...apparent left over tension between the snake and mouse prior to the snake's mealtime. and don't get me wrong...snake is not a bad woman, she is in fact...almost charming.

which, of course, is the problem. she is not interested in anything but using skills to get her next lay...a good fuck. and she smiles coyly at me, puts her arm around me and says..."i'm not a player, people just don't take me seriously..." and i laugh heartily inside. and i will most certainly take her seriously...as i leaned in and whispered in her ear..."you don't feel your feelings" *yes, i really did*....after which there was a conversation and she is, in fact, capable of being a lovely person. until then...guard your girls.

now the mouse, immediately reminded me of dana from "the client"...but looks nothing like her. i am of the opinion that she is a fairie creature, yet she swears to be an occupational therapist. then she spoke of reiki...and it was nice to use the word empathic and not have the puzzled look cross over a blank face. and so she must be of the fairie or pixie persuasion....yet were her boundaries violated. it was interesting to analyze boundaries in a bar of lesbians at sue ellen's. and she is visibly uncomfortable yet wavering...and a hand is running up her leg and her eyes look up to mine across the table and i just raise one eybrow quizzically...and so she sits pensively letting this woman do this...and so there is talk for a while with eye contact, and comrade and i both see the strangeness. and then the nouse jumps up and says she has to go...shakes my hand, hugs karen, and starts walking....she is already out the door before snake has finished good-bye's at the table....but we all know she caught her, it was part of the game all along.

somewhere in the night, between much beer, but before the hot damn became involved...little red robin hood came up, yet again. karen and i both laughed rather hysterically....and then this joke was told....where little red riding hood is walking down the road to grandma's and the big bad wolf jumps out at her and says..."ohhh litte red, i am going to fuck you"...and she shrieks and runs away. this happens a few more times...and finally the wolf jumps out and does it again, and little red riding hood reaches in to her basket and pulls out a 357 and says "no, you are going to eat me just like you did in the original story"....

and while the joke is common, vulgar and not that funny....the implications of it, regarding boundaries is the funniest thing i have managed to hear in days.

i am too drunk to sleep...i am tired, and i am really missing her...

all in all, it was not a bad night. i would have enjoyed talking with the mouse, perhaps even the snake...apart from one another. bella seemed jovial in a pissy way, which she is rather good at...yet the show was not spectacular. she sang the fucking alanis song...and when i heard the music start, with my back to the floor, i almost spewed a mouthful of beer. and i cannot help but think that dionne did such a better job. despite any differences...the girl is talented.

i am still not sober...though i am, right now, impressed with my typing.

i am rambling to you i imagine...but i have to go and "have these experiences" and examine them...and so i did, and i got nicely drunk. and when it got too cold, we ordered hot damn to warm up from the inside out.

my entire face is in pain from having to remember to smile...and then doing it. my jaws are locking back up, and my chest feels heavy....but not this time. not this time. instead...

i want to be in the woods right now...i have to watch these fleeting drunk moments...they are infamous. carla in the bathtub in the middle of a party, or the beginning...carla trying to go swimming...more times than could be counted. the "carla and 'her closet' days"...and so on. but at home...we would be weaving among the trees. and i would venture to another place, alone...and i would run in circles, and my only wish is to be a flying squirrel...

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