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what if i had known?
2002-10-16 ~ 5:30 a.m.
today was shockingly different than i had expected or hoped. and yet i am somehow a better person for it.
things this week seemed to become so complicated that the feelings were overwhelming and confusing. at times, i thought, beyond what i could endure right now. i forgot that nothing is actually going to make the roof fall in on my head. i forgot that sometimes there are logical explanations for things and i am a terrified child at times. before today i never understood that goldilocks was bad potrayed as good, and that little red robin hood was violated but too trusting. i know it might make no sense to anyone else, but it does to me. and so my boundaries are being reformed in to something healthy...not just for me, but for all of you as well.
needless to say, there is no longer a journal here, just this one entry...and some links. we can thank boundary violations for that. i edited this last entry to reflect the things i want the people who are most prominent in my life to know at this moment...
i had a three or four hour session with doc, and then individual-type conversations with terri and trey.
and now, in this "crucial moment" i am going to swing right. because for the first time in almost 2 years, things almost make sense.
ashley...you and i have been lying to one another long enough. you can, at this point, start respecting my privacy. know that i will always love you, because that is the way i am, but this is a boundary violation type thing. Just leave...right now.
terri and trey...(it works in my mind fine)...you know everything i have done and not done. you have seen me at my worst defining moment, many times. especially within the last year. yet you have never strayed from the mythical belief that i am worth something. and for that and 'the shove out the door' tonight, i will always love both of you. and to explain how it makes sense in my mind...you both have the same opinion...and you both have the most beautiful two girls in the world named willow.
shane...cuddly-bear, my friend. i want nothing more in the whole world than a big old bear hug from you right now. you are a great comfort, a great strength, a great drinker, a great whiner, a great listener, and a great writer...and a fabulous gay man.
jim and tracey...i can't believe you are still around, but am much thankful for it. there have been many a night and morning when just knowing you were out there *driving by and thinking of entering forcefully* made a big difference. i wish love to you both, to weather any rough spots.
matt...hey big guy. i guess i am still around. you know, if a certain tall person wanted to see a certain me a little sooner...then he could go tell someone to call me back. i'm just saying...i miss you.
and for mel...i have made more mistakes, more blunders with you than even i can tabulate. but i made one really crucial mistake that i am for sure of, and only came to realize it today...and i am sorry. i am not sure where i got my definitions and perceptions from, but i gained insight today that has started to change them. there has been a lot of shit. and i think there has been pressure...and i placed most of that pressure on you, i am afraid. i am so sorry. it was never my intention, and i wish i had realized it sooner. i hope i realized it soon enough. as for anything and everything else, i dragged my ass up...got my head out of the clouds...and no matter what, i will be your friend as long as you will have me. my love and support will always be unwavering. nothing will ever change that. i know that with certainty.
i wrote things on my hands and slips of paper today...
my mother is sick. i haven't told anyone this yet. she is blowing it off as a cold and a freaky drug allergy that suddenly developed. i fear she is not looking after herself and is worrying too much. i am afraid of not having enough time because we never have enough time.
talon climbed the fireplace and singed her whiskers on a candle. the dogs are jumpy, wanting the garage door to open and barking at the slightest noise. i thought jazz was going to hump poor trey she was so happy to see someone other than me.
friday, i have been promised "new air" in to this place...and i can't wait. in addition, i need my fence building crew...it is past that time.
next week i will be walking back in to stream, i have given up on calling...i am just going in and demanding my job back. if it is for some reason not there, i found an animal clinic that is willing to train a vet tech...and i know software spectrum might be hiring. jack has agreed. we disagreed on the number of hours, but we will compromise.
i managed to be even more of an idiot and forget to eat...so i am going to have fruity pebbles (because they are damn healthy) and my pillow now.
i am still confused. i am still hurt by many things. i am still grieving for many people, places and things. i am just not yet what i want to be. i am growing, i am changing, and i am willing and welcoming it. even if it hurts like hell. i watched people today, doing people things...i had a conversation about how going to a place like bosnia might change the way you see and feel everything...and somewhere today something clicked in my head...
and that person i thought lost forever, that person i want to be...came back in to view. out of focus, but still there. and i am giving it everything i have to not lose sight of it again.
if anyone is left, thanks for hanging out this long...
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