down the drain
2002-10-25 ~ 2:01 p.m.

*groggy and disgruntled*

the meds haven't worn off...and i am sick. blah, blah, blah...

i overslept and fubar'd my plans, which sucks. i am not feeling healthy enough to do a single damn thing other than lay in bed and read and sleep...

and yet, i am driving to the bar tonight. that is the plan. carla to drive. it will be an early night.

i will have my notepad and pencil, scribbling notes furiously as any good narrator would.

until then, i am going to be reconnecting those few things that were disconnected....and closing the damn windows.

there is this stupid song that won't come out of my head...it won't.

"sometimes i feel like something is gone, something is wrong here, i don't belong here..."

and i am smart enough to know all the things that aren't here. and i am a sucker enough to wish they were here.

in the dog/cat rampage that took place whilst i was sleeping, the office door was pushed open...i keep that door closed for a reason. they are both closed for a reason. i shut it again. i will be keeping it shut for a while longer.

and this other situation, well...what do you expect me to do? pitch a screaming flying fit? argue? debate? reason? plead?

i would, and i fight not to, but it isn't my decision. and ultimately, i want to see her smile. yes, i love...

my heart is warm and soft and does that kind of thing...against my own wishes at times. and i am not going to turn that off, it is what makes me...me. so in that respect, do with me as you wish.

i have nothing else to do or say...except for all the things i have not had the oppurtunity to do and say.

so maybe tonight or tomorrow...or next week. maybe in a month or two or twelve. maybe before i am thirty, before i have the "love children" of matt and trey.

before i raise those children to control the world.

i, too, will smile...and actually mean it.

because this, this entire last year...has molded me in ways i would not have fathomed. the rifts and jagged tears of hurt and grief still brim darkly with scarlet. there are still times when the sharpness of the blade mesmerize me and i am lost in the spell.

times when i look down, expecting to see scars that are healing nicely, and see instead the soft layers of tissue, the familiar stain of blood, and whole chunks of me missing.

it seems the cup does runneth over...

which is a sure indication that it needs to be poured down the drain.

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