what would i say if tomorrow were today?
2002-10-25 ~ 4:05 a.m.

welcome to the barren landscape of my mind...hehehe, i just wanted to say that.

no...not really happy with it, but i am still working on it.

welcome to bessie...and glen...and all the other non guestbook signing followers of the tale of a mouse and a snake.

i can't sleep...there is no sleep to be had for me.

no sleep, no dreams, no end in sight...just one big fucking ball of confusion.

there was a knock on the proverbial door tonight and i am not sure whether to open or not. hung, in the balance of things, feet dangling in air.

i am driving to the bar tomorrow, due to the current state of the nation. so that changes things around a bit, which is probably best considering my current health and the nature of these things in general.

last night i thought of things when karen was on the phone, distracting me with thoughts of jenny...things discussed tonight with trey in passing...

but they don't seem to be passing out of my mind...

pretty baubles...and shiny distracting things because what else would you have me do? what else would you do?

i am not stupid or petty, controlling or patient. i am nothing good, and everything that is bad.

i am wickedly delightful.

i come preassmbled with brand new boundaries for everyone.

i have tired of this slow volley...this time consuming, energy draining spectacle of what might have been.

and because i now remember all that was lost to me, all that was removed from my current life...all that was never really lost at all, just cleverly hidden.

i am laughing. i would have been crying, but i am just not the same person i was a month ago.

i was doing this years ago...and i can still do it today.

it might very well be just a distraction, but it might also be something completely unexpected and different.

there is something vaguely remniscent of a closet i would go back in to any day of the week...

...the half shadowed profile of a woman standing, small in stature...illuminated hair, long and flowing...crescent moons around erect nipples flowing into the shadowed nothingness of a stomach...and down, further.

enthralled and beguiled by eyes holding all the colors of the ocean and the sunset. entranced by hands, delicate and small but so strong.

captivated by the smells of soap and shampoo, tangled sheets, the arousing and seductive taste of blood flowing out...

there was an urgency in the feeding then and i, caught up in the spell of it all, was bound. i still remember how it happened. there were three then. three for whom my head would spin entirely different routes in orbit around. what a dizzying time. spinning and spinning and whirling around with it all.

i am doing nothing but spinning my wheels in every other direction, my efforts are at best laughable and i need to lower the suspension and get new tires.

so pat me on the ass and let me back in the game already.

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