cheers...
2002-10-26 ~ 8:54 a.m.

tired as hell narrator...

almost 9, just getting to bed...

or at least something closely resembling bed.

had good times, good talks, good head rubs and ass grabbing...bad fucking drama.

and i can't help but wonder what this day will bring...for things have twisted in inexplicable ways lately. i have an update on the mouse and snake...and the bull rider as well. it is all too fascinating to write down now...let me sort it out first.

the snake and the mouse...are you just dying to know? can anyone in the crowd say "free love and nickel beer"? that sums it all up.

and this thing, this leaden weight wrapped so tightly around my heart...just might be okay one day.

but not this day. and that is alright.

tonight, a new character joined our unravelling saga...enter side stage left...the "bull rider"

i said something tonight to "bull rider" that took me by surprise, though it shouldn't have. she said she was tired. i empathize, completely...

and yet, i don't. when michelle killed herself and i was here thinking myself alone to wrest demons, i did face a crucial moment. and i did swing right...and thank you to those who helped push me...

i wonder why i want to weep. i wonder why my heart is so heavy. i don't wonder at all...i know why.

my friend, grief...

for what could have been. for what might have been. for what should have been. for what never will be.

and so i raise my water glass to you...in cheers.

karen...yes, all women do suck.

mouse...nice neck, like cheese?

snake...naughty, naughty, naughty

bull rider...nice talk, and what dainty skeletal structure your head has.

trey...nothing like watching me do a little cotton eye joe to make you think of blackmail.

and there are things i would say to others...but not here, not now...

not when my water glass is half empty and the suspension still sucks.

i have to go to bed and find some sleep somewhere...

today there is a lesbian gathering at the house of a cheryl...

there will be a jaunty lesbian hay ride to a pasture to pick out and carve pumpkins...there will be beer and vegetable trays...i will even take my camera if i don't forget. tonight there is a block party...which will mean more beer and more games...

and frankly, even if my smile has to be superglued on...so be it. i am aware that my heart is broken...that nothing of what i had hoped will come to pass this time around...

so bring out the superglue...bring out the duct tape...there is a beautiful group of women...and i will smile and laugh...and say quaint witticisms like "i like wood" to astound everyone.

and while i hate this, hate it all with everything in me...while my fists reach out vicariously to pound on stone and my wrists ache for release...even if everything in me is falling apart...

i am going to motherfucking smile and have a good time.

*cheers*

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