in review...
2002-10-31 ~ 4:41 p.m.

happy halloween...samhein...all hallow's eve...whatever, whichever...

not quite five, not quite time to make new plans...

i like plans...

i was re-reading some of the madness in my archives, and found this...

"i quit being thankful.

i quit staring at the sky in awe.

i quit feeling the magic in everything.

i quit loving.

i quit believing in fairies.

i quit embracing my youth.

i quit being true to myself.

i quit choosing to live."

...and even though i was in the very bowels of a wallowing whirling spin cycle...i was right.

that is what i was...and i really don't like quitters. it aggravates me.

i had thought that this new turn in the road was all a by-product of michelle's suicide, mel being gone and the blow up with ashley...

but in looking back, this has been a long time coming...a very slow work in progress. you know, that actually makes me feel better. it really does.

i have let indecisiveness decide my life...i am going to change that next.

in the meantime...

i will always be thankful...because it is a miracle that i have lasted this long.

i will always believe in fairies...and wood nymphs...and mermaids too.

i will stare, mouth agape, at the leaves...the sky...everything above us and out.

i will search out the magic in everything, trust my innate senses and develop some skills.

i will love. i will learn how to be loved.

i will forget seeking out my childhood, and try embracing this place for a while. i will not forget the wonderment and awe that children possess, however.

i will be true to myself and others, even if it makes no sense logically and threatens to unhinge me. i will learn to be true to myself. it is a tough lesson in one such as me.

i will apply duct tape and super glue as needed. i will meet people and enjoy your company. i will smile until i wake up one day and realize i either can't quit...or it is for real. i will go out and try this life mostly forgotten, i will live. i will breathe in and out and allow my heart to beat. i will smoke too much and drink and dance and i may even *most definitely* do my fair share of debauchery.

*flashing fangs*

i know...it has to be this way, or i might once again lose all desire for another day.

besides, anticipation is not only healthy...but all kinds of fun. *sly grin*

and from there my mind went to a really bad place...and where in the hell did the phrase 'she can fill my panties'? come from? mouse? i know i misquoted it...must have...that is a tad fuzzy, but it has aspirations of being damn funny. i must acquire more detailed information...

i need to make some phone calls...

...previously... ~ ...next...