rambling...gotta read userfriendly
2002-11-11 ~ 6:44 p.m.

so then...

i found janet's number and called her...

got the answering machine, but i left a message. just wanted to tell her i was thinking about her. she will know what that means...she will know.

my poor mom is left with whatever i said to her today, i am sorry for that.

the meds really knocked me on my ass today. she will ask me tomorrow if i am drinking or doing drugs...

i will say, "no mom...all i wanted was a pepsi"...

and she will be even more confused.

there was something said about a party, but in my sleeping mind i was having trouble distinguishing between the lesbian party and the birthday party...

i am not sure what i might have said.

she asked about mel...which is ironic. she asked me every day for weeks...until i blew up and told her to stop one day. perhaps my mom is reading my diary too? i stumbled sleep walking through that barrage...i hope i made it to the other side.

she does not understand the dreams...or the medication...

those thing that creep in on sleep and wreak havoc in the ranks.

i dreamed again of destruction. not tornados this time. this time was closer to home and yet further away.

and still, i was there. struggling and trying desperately to help...to get these people help.

hot sexy bartender/singer chick was there...she was in the line up of people to sing in this church...

then, she was there again in the back hallway...she too, was looking for a way to help.

i thought of calling to her...but mine is always a solo journey in these dreams.

and i did it...whatever it was that needed to be done, just like i always do.

and then, back again...standing in the parking lot...it was misty, hazy...i thought it smelled like smoke...

there was a big truck, and i looked up and saw that janet was there, sitting in the cab.

we spoke, too briefly...i hugged her. it felt like the last time i would ever see her again.

looking back, i don't recall the last times i saw my surrogate mothers...

it never was supposed to be this way...

i quite literally, just left one day.

i miss them, those women who will forever hold a piece of my heart. they can never replace my own mother, of course, but their purpose is not intended to be the same.

i need to go home for a visit...soon. i need to hug some necks...and make sure the fire hasn't died down.

i want to know that they are ready for what is coming...

i want them to understand that i cannot be there. that as much as i hate it, things have unravelled me to this spot...here. and this is where i will be...this is where they need the most help.

and this part of my life is not about me...it is about what is to become of us all.

in other news...

spoke with mouse...

explained the fumbling of the ball...the reflexive jerk and not knowing what to do...

she said she doubts it...aww shucks, thanks

i said i still needed lessons...gonna get one of those stickers..."out of practice" warning labels or something...

the film festival is planned for tomorrow...starts around 6:30...i have to find the theater.

she is off to give the snake a reiki treatment...

*smiling sweetly*

i have phone calls to make...more witty messages to leave...

i have to go read userfriendly.org now...later

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