boundaries, friendship and those i love
2002-11-11 ~ 4:30 a.m.

boundaries and friendship and love...and i got out of bed to do this so appreciate it...

if i open the door just out of the shower and am wearing boxers and a football jersey...and am obviously getting ready, and in a hurry...

and i say to "come with me" while i get ready...i mean for you to sit on the bed and talk to me through the wall...i need to make things more clear sometimes.

see...that was a boundary violation.

no harm done, and it is all good...but that is something i am not okay with.

mouse and i had this conversation saturday.

and i know next friday that doc will ask me to describe my newly forming boundaries...and those that have had to be rebuilt. and i won't be able to.

i use analogies and story book characters to make it make sense to me. and it does. it really does. i think i might just have it this time.

tonight, i fumbled the ball initially because i had to do a boundary check. i need to work on my reactionary timing, but everything else is in good shape.

...i have learned a lot watching woodland creatures and sitting in shark infested waters lately...

for instance...

it is smart to carry a nut and a piece of cheese in your pocket and to keep your teeth filed.

it is okay to fuck with your friends so long as you are both playing the game.

it is even okay to fuck your friends, so long as you both know the positions you are playing and don't deviate from them.

boundaries are a good way to keep all this in check. but even if you have boundaries...you might have to speak up once in a while.

anyway...

i came back here, from bed, tonight to write about something else completely...something that has been bugging me for a few days.

comrade and i have discussed this...

the subject of friendship and love...friends and loves...

so, friendship...

i have a few new friends in my life...and i am happy about that.

but i also know that i suck. i am really not a very good friend. i really can't be. i need to be self-oriented right now, for my own well-being.

this is also the reason i am not dating. why i know that i really don't want to, and am not capable of it.

because i can't pay the maintenance fees. i suck, i know this. i am aware of it. i will do what i can, when i can...and don't take offense. it is not a slight, it is not about you. it is me having to spend time on myself, however i need to. i will get around to stroking your ego...just get in line and be prepared to wait a little while. and know that i am sorry for it. and i am trying to work around it...i am.

my old friends already know that i suck. they expect it, they don't hold it against me. some know me just well enough to know that i am crazy...and they let it slide. others may know a little more, and they more readily let it slide.

there are very few people currently in my life who fall in to this category of friendship. of course, not leaving the house for a year or so is a good explanation for that.

i am slowly opening up to new and old friends alike...but this is going to take a lot of time.

and as for love...

most of what i have in my life are those people i love. the people i hold closest to me, the kind of love that takes years to earn. that is never dismissed, at all. this list is long, and those people who are on it have been around me through enough ups and downs to make anyone hate me...and they still at least like me.

it is not a gift, my love. not in the slightest. it doesn't need a shelf, it doesn't need to be dusted...even when unhandled for a while.

it is the embodiment of what you represent in my life and what you mean to me...it is a long list.

it consists of my family...and those people who are like family to me.

if i have ever told you "i love you" or said "much love" to you, then you are on this list. know that with certainty.

i am all warm and sunny and fuzzy...

stay the fuck away from me, i am really scaring myself.

i am going back to bed now...

...previously... ~ ...next...