surprise endings
2002-11-10 ~ past the witching hour

so after sitting here staring at the screen for an hour or so...

right on the heels of another coughing fit...

just got off the phone with comrade...called to make sure all was well and that my taking leave for a bit was okay...

there is so much in my head...

i swear there was an earthquake when my jaw hit the tile upon opening the door.

you see, she was there.

the most unexpected of the unexpected, indeed.

nothing else mattered in that moment...

she kept her head down, averted her eyes...and there was no need.

whatever you were afraid of finding...it isn't here.

it just felt good to hug you. it felt good to feel your arms around me.

it was good to see her. it was good to see that she is, in fact, all in one piece and was actually near enough to touch.

i meant every word i said to her. i am not saying much of anything lightly these days.

my heart is big and loving and forgiving and the door really is one way. and when i said "welcome back"...i meant to dallas, because you never left my heart.

i had lost the ability to cry...some weeks ago. it just went away...i thought i had drowned it.

it came back. and dammitt...i have been working on being all butch and stuff. shit man...

but i wouldn't trade those tears for a thing in this world...nor hers.

and i appreciate the apology, but i appreciate the hugging a lot more.

there was a pinky swear made...

and it really will all be okay.

i really need for it to all be okay.

i think i might need a jumpstart...

this has been my day...

today i was entertained at a birthday party for willow, who is now 4...and no longer restricted by a "choking hazard" warning. i played with dolls (shut up)...and i played "horse"...and there was chicken casserole (for which i want a recipe) and birthday cake! we watched "spirit" and then it was time for a bath and so i left...

and a mouse called...and i got an entertaining and running commentary on the grocery store...and i can say, with some certainty, exactly what a mouse has in her cabinets and fridge now...in addition to knowing the color of her underwear on most days. that seems strange...though it really isn't, even though it is. it is all bessie's fault. and my underwear? hehe...yeah

so then i came back home and comrade was here...there was talk of the bar...there was malcolm in the middle...

there was a knock on the door.

and this heaviness that has kept me encapsulated for weeks is easier tonight.

i have no idea what we talked about anymore...it is all swimming in slow circles. but we talked...and we hugged...and i am so not sorry. at all.

it was unbelievably good to see you.

...previously... ~ ...next...