sick again...woohoo
2002-11-24 ~ 9:54 p.m.

so...coughing stuff up is bad, eh?

and the color is important?

and the color of this is not good?

brown is bad? ewwwwww

~

i have no gas...it is a funny story. i am lucky that i store up smokes and coke like a motherfucker...cause that is all i really need.

there is a cold front coming...so i enjoyed what was left of the warmth...

...tonight i went for a walk, after i cleaned up after mo's bar-b-que feast. the air was cool, but not yet cold. it started to rain a little...and on i walked. looking like a little hoodlum in my jeans all jacked up with my leather jacket...

i was thinking that love is not as scary as i thought...that security is badly wanted in my unending monotone of days, played by a bad junior high band.

i watched leaves for a long time. i sat on the curb and thought about things. how i never imagined i would be here...and yet here i am.

i came home then, before the blood mingled with the tears.

~

the amazing underwear phantom, fantasy queen has struck my guestbook again...

it is all so wonderful. it all makes me smile.

~

i don't want to be here...

i don't want to be there...

i want to be alone...

i want a hand to hold...

~

there is a dagger in my hand...

tonight i put my fist through the window pane. glass shattered and crunched and my hand was stuck there, unable to unclench the fist i had made. couldn't pull it back out...

blood was running in rivulets down my arm and i was laughing. i left my hand there and walked around to the other side of the glass and stared at the fist, still stuck in the glass. it was beautiful, gristled and scarlet. the faintest shimmer of bone beneath the flayed skin.

and then i came up out of the bath water, eyes still closed, still mesmerized by my thoughts...

and i wonder why these thoughts pass through my mind and don't seem odd to me.

~

so, apparently she was reading my diary and empathizing with my pain...

and then she got pissy...?

and don't think for a second that i don't mean it when i say now "go away..."

whatever chance you might have had, you blew it...hardcore.

fucking with my friends and saying the shit you felt you had to say is the same as fucking with me...and it is not a good idea.

you might be a great person, i am sure you are...but you are talking about people who have been in my life for many years...and you? i have spoken with you not even five times. and that doesn't fly in these parts. it is bird season down home.

funny that you know nothing of what you speak. how when it came right down to it, comrade and i stood up for you in ways unimagined. so chew on that, then spit it out...

i might very well make promises or intend to do things and then be unable to do them. we all know i have problems. my real friends, they understand when i don't call...or write...or keep a single damn promise.

and it is okay. because that is what real friendship is all about.

this? this is just self absorbed pissiness. and you can call it any name you want, we all see what it really is. funny how it doesn't 'bother you at all' and yet you feel obliged to vent about it.

that is all i have to say about that.

~

in other news...why are trix just for kids?

i got an email from my little mexican...she is okay it seems. that is good.

~

i wasn't feeling triggered today...so i made some changes to a playlist and now i wish i really was holding a dagger. and yet this is good. pacing and containing. and if you only knew what poe did to me...if you had any idea.

~

in other news, i have decided something. something fairly important. it could involve me leaving. and that doesn't sound like a bad idea. there are people i would stay for...but they won't ask...so why not just go? or...i could stay and do it still. that part doesn't really matter. it really has nothing to do with location, and those who think it does...have other things to learn.

all that we need is within us.

i smile wistfully as i type this...knowing full well what it is that i say and don't say.

what i have said and will never say again. because there comes a time when you do and say all you can and it makes no difference so on you go...

jo will be finding out the cost tomorrow. and i am thinking...this is what i am going to do. nursing school is right around the corner ladies and gentlemen. cause we all know carla does not believe in coincedence.

i will be returning to the hunt for a room mate this week. the need is imperative and cannot wait any longer. rent is 400 a month, i have three dogs, one cat and a fish. there are two extra rooms, no lease and your own bathroom. deposit is 400. you also get a garage spot, and i will do laundry and cook if you clean...? *grin*

~

i took more medication and i am going back to bed now. i don't know what else to do with myself right now.

~

may our sleep be untroubled...may we be cradled in comfort instead of terror.

~

take care out there...

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