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laughing and walking away
2002-12-02 ~ 11:47 a.m.
don't know about the layout... i am having some blurry eyed fuckedupedness with the style sheets...and jim suggested nesting tables...and i should...could...but damn it is all so messy and daunting and i am a lazy little whiny bitch. *shrug* may it be known that if i just up and vanish for a series of days in the near future and don't happen to call or write...i am not dead, or dying... i am getting away from this for a while. that is all, and now you know so you won't be alarmed. don't ask me when or where...better if you don't ask me anything at all...*smile* i need some breathing room, a place to satiate the hunger...that is all. "...la la la la... i tried too hard and she tore my feelings like i had none and ripped them away... she fucking hates me... trust she fucking hates me... la la la la...." not much like a little puddle of mudd or a little riddlin kids to make my mind lose its tenacious grip. wheeeee! wound up too tight tonight...errr, last night. all of it is sometimes just a bit much for me. after all, how much can one certifiably insane person take in 48 hours without grabbing a hold of "an implement of destruction" and letting loose? and this is the part where you might not want to read this...because dammitt...i am going to vent for a sec. had this whole restful, jampacked weekend planned... it started out well... i saw bailey *big grins and hugs* and i met his girl, jo...and i approve. we had turkey day...with turkey. *insert bar with shots and pool and music and mirrors* went to bed sometime later...woke up sometime later...did some stuff... *insert bar with shots and funniness and sweaty grinding dancing and amusing other things* then i went home... and insanity picks me up and sweeps me off in to the night... *flipping 'insanity' off* (with my freakishly long fingers) and this little magic carpet ride just didn't stop... still hasn't completely halted..."please keep your hands and feet in the vehicle until all motion has stopped"... and i am tired...dragged out and under and back out in to the fray again. and i question the sense in keeping certain aspects of my life in tact now...especially if the axe is destined to fall. which basically means i am questioning my own sense. which is not entirely a bad thing to be doing on a monday at noon. and the bitch about this all is that i have something i would much rather be doing. i have been working on a series of shorts and i want to write...all wired up, tripped up, fucked up on cokes and smokes and music...and damn if i don't almost have a hangover. i think i drank more than i thought...and the bar tab agrees. i do not want to think about this situation...these situations...this fuckedupedness...the insanity of it all. i even politely toyed with the idea that perhaps i was participating in a little "escapism"...then threw that idea out the window of my truck as i flew/drove down I35. i apologize if it hit your windshield and broke the glass and crawled down your shirt and nestled there... but if a situation is so unhealthy that it causes you to self destruct...or just pick up random "implements of destruction" then why would choosing to remove myself from it all be escapism? ahhh...but it is not what you are running from...it is where you are running to that matters. and of course...i have no idea where i am going or how i am getting there... but on days like today...the how and the why don't much matter. i wish i had never had a "life plan" to screw around with. if you knew that the very next breath you take will not contain any oxygen for your little cells in your little lungs to delve in to the bloodstream to be circulated and finally...exhaled. if this next breath, would in fact, cause your throat to close and all the little cells to die... would you breathe anyway? of course you would...but not by choice. well damn...there is the conundrum. and my choices most definitely look better than that... the sun is out... "a tournament...a tournament...a tournament of lies... offer me solutions... offer me alternatives... and i'll decline..." sleep? you funny. upswing you know, i knew it would come. and oh happy day...i am off to try and prevent my bank from really hating me this time...getting my meds...and probably crashing... *looking around for landing gear* nope, no landing gear...does not look good. then again, emergency landings that don't end in catastrophe sure is something to talk about over the dinner table. i am sure the dogs will be most amused. *grins and laughs and walks away* and yeah...my eyes are straight ahead. getting out of the boggy swamp murky madness one way or another this time around the 8.
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