the vivid colors in my dreams...
2002-12-04 ~ 9:13 a.m.

firstly, thank you to jenna and moxie and dana for the kind words. they mean more than you know and do more than you might guess for my spirits.

i guess i didn't update yesterday? it is okay, i seem to have lost monday or tuesday.

well then, i have to make up for lost time.

and happy hump day, by the way...

my computer did not help moments ago by crashing and losing my entire entry that i had been typing out for the last half hour...

but i am thinking it is best that way.

probably a sign that i shouldn't say what i was going to say.

fair enough.

in new news...don't call my cell phone. it is at the house of a mouse where i left it...cause i am just that on top of things.

*listening to a very funny song*...

"...tried to call you but i can't find your telephone..."

so anyway, i have a computer to build soon...ahhh, geek heaven!

as you might have guessed...we congregated at the house of a mouse where i scuffed up my fingers and worked on two little computers...

there was pizza and smallville...and head biting dogs who were sleepy and cute. and i suppose i am just thankful that when i get aroused i don't set things on fire like the young superman. what the fuck? smile and nod, just smile and nod.

there was a moment in the garage, smoking, when thunder rumbled and rain fell...and i was so close to the shattering glass rage i have come to know so well...and suddenly, i realized something.

acclimating to my triggers is much easier now that i am starting to let go of years and years of shame. i spent too many years thinking things were my fault, that i was bad...i spent too many years with my shoulders drawn in, ashamed of myself. what an enlightening few weeks this has been.

and then there was the neverending download of internet explorer...and the night was ended with smiles and warm fuzziness. snowmen that look oddly chinese and small christmas balls...

and then at some point during the night, after all of this, i found myself asleep without the aid of medication for the first time in many months.

no little blue pill. and i say i slept, but i am honestly not 100% sure...

i dreamed...vivid and odd dreams. there was so much in the dreams, so much going on, and i couldn't begin to remember and record it...

or maybe i could...and just won't.

dreams that left me half awake at dawn clouded with smiling confusion.

it is not uncommon for me to not be able to clarify between reality and dreams when i first wake up...but on a scale of 1 to 10...this was a solid 7 in the category of odd. and really, it was interesting and delightful.

i have been awake a little while now and my brain has been in overdrive...

i am ready. and all i have to say, is that it is about damn time.

even driving lately, the fog of dissociation and terror has lifted...

i don't study every car on the road in quivering paranoia anymore.

not to say that it might not happen again. not to say that my coping skills are where they need to be.

but i am ready, nonetheless. and i feel better the last few days than i have in so many years.

i am still overwhelmed, still feel pulled in too many directions...

but oddly enough, the vivid sex dreams also contained a lot more than just lots and lots of really good sex and nudity in the name of art...yes, i know...sex dreams?! *shrugging*

and i am wondering about that...the other things in the dreams. wondering what messages i might have gotten while my eyes were closed. yet even as i ask, i know. i saw it all so clearly. and none of it belongs here. it belongs days and weeks and months from now...and even still, it won't belong 'here'.

my claws are extracted and hanging on to this...to this stranger that i am slowly beginning to recognize as myself.

forgive me if i leave marks...

i am off to make a plan. a new 'life plan', since the other one didn't exactly 'work out'.

and i am not afraid. i might move, i might change careers, i am going to go back to school. hell, i might accidentally get snowed in at some little cabin somewhere for the next century...

whatever comes next, let it come...things are different in the state of denmark these days.

i slept at night...and now i am awake, i even had breakfast...and i am enjoying the drizzle.

time to love with the puppies and get busy with things.

have a good day. no worries...more later! *grin*

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