ask the magic 8-ball
2002-12-10 ~ 11:27 a.m.

last night was "8-ball's" birthday gathering. we ate pizza and cake...drank some adult beverages...played games and asked questions.

there was back rubbing...my back thanks you! comrade's back was popped...*shudder*...that hurt me.

mouse and i cannot play rock, paper, scissors...it is uncanny and kinda freaky. and nothing will ever be decided. of course, neither of us can flip a coin either...*laughing*

and so last night there was fun and talk and such...

we played a game...the best game ever!

and so...we now have big bowls of problems and solutions...

for instance:

*drawing randomly*

problem - "i can't get any"

solution - "come over to my house"

end result...peals of hysterical laughter...

we asked the magic 8-ball questions...and "it is decidely so"...well alrighty then.

i have pictures of 8-ball dancing with a broom...and little karla demonstrating brushing her teeth...

and then it was the question game...and aforementioned backrubs...and then it was like someone turned the lights out and everybody got sleepy...

comrade went to bed...8-ball crashed on the couch, little karla took the floor and the chaplain and i came in here to listen to some music and discuss those things related to 'magical thinking'...

and you, you have a big heart and caring eyes...and you give good hugs.

but don't ask me to feel. rather, don't ask me what i feel.

because it is still a tangled, jumbled mess of pain and hurt and longing.

but the edges have been tinged with gold lately...and i really just want to enjoy that. and that is about all i can do...honestly, it is about all i want to do.

i am not ready to share feelings. even when you say with sincerity that you want to know. i appreciate so much, so much more than you know that you were here and you cared and we could talk of those things...and that we could hold each other for a moment and try to rest easy in that.

but even when doc asks me about my feelings i respond in a monotone while i am thinking in the back of my head...

"what am i supposed to be feeling?" "what do you want me to feel?"...i don't get it...don't get this.

and in talking with you...i know that you will find love, that you will be loved.

on the coldest, longest nights may you find some measure of comfort in that.

because you have a true heart...and it will happen.

it will happen for all of us...most likely when we least expect it and perhaps when we don't even want it.

it is what it is.

i had a great talk with blondie today. just talked about things...the strip club and nipple piercings and a friendship that is worth salvaging.

i made her laugh....i was glad to be able to do that.

people in general don't laugh enough.

everyone cleared out early...except for our little mouse...who braved the night and the mud covered puppy...

and now i am off to scrounge up some food and try to build a computer...and sell some stuff...and ship some stuff...and upload some stuff...

and basically, just do stuff.

i hope you are having a good day. i hope you laugh today.

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