"if a tree falls in the woods..."
2002-12-16 ~ 12:49 a.m.

i sat here earlier, wound up tight in anxiety...i feel like i need to define what agoraphobia is...to all of you who seem to have forgotten that i still have it...that it didn't just 'go away'...

that i deal with it every day...and it takes so much out of me...and there are times when i just can't fucking do it.

ahh, my old friends...anxiety and panic...agoraphobia and depression...

i woke up fine...the sun was out and i was groovy...

and then i took a nap and it all went to hell...cause i tend to have bad dreams sometimes...

and i woke up to an email...and how much of the bullshit and lies can i really take?

and so i tried to relax and calm down...took a hot bath and had a nice conversation on the telephone...

and i was all settled in, starting to feel a little better...(add two xanax to any day and it suddenly becomes a little better) and so then i was worried about something and decided i would be a better friend if i put my shit aside and went out for a while...

and so i got dressed for the third time and got in my truck and drove to the bar...

the furtive glances driving down there, riding the edge of the day...and doing it anyway.

and so i sat there as long as i could...awash in the dark colors that rule this part of my world...

and i am sorry...yeah. and i don't even know what for. sounds like my dad..."yeah, you are sorry"

sorry, fucked up, tangled and broken...on nights like this.

and i got in my truck and drove...

and wanted to keep driving.

and what is left of me that is not tangled and twisted in anxiety and agoraphobia is almost angry...

i have heard the meaningless drone of endless conversations about me being happy one too many times.

be happy carla...do what you need to do for you...you deserve to be happy...and so on and so forth...

and you know...

shane just said..."if a tree falls in the middle of the woods...does anyone give a fuck?"

of the dozen people i talked to today...only three of them asked me how my night was, how my day was...or how i was doing.

i am going to over medicate before i do something stupid like grabbing my knife...or driving out of my garage again.

have a nice night.

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