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the places my mind goes
2002-12-16 ~ 10:09 p.m.
tonight was better than today. tonight was easy banter and chattering and making the guy at wal mart laugh...and flipping a few silver coins into the gutteral expanse of his little mind... and it is a goo goo dolls night, they won fair and square...and i have already cleaned up the kitchen...and beth hart is singing now... "she's got a poets spirit...she burns among the clouds...she never stops believing...she only dreams out loud... and she gives it away...and you're fascinated by her... simple and brilliant desire..." crown and coke is good... wednesday is the birthday party of a comrade...at sue's...be there or eternally suck. i really feel like writing...and should take advantage of it, but i am too fucking lazy... and then the thought crossed my mind...(just then...did you see it streak across the screen?) this is my diary...i use it for many a purpose...and lately i haven't really been using it at all...go ahead, ask me why... well, because i never remember who might read it...and on nights like tonight...i don't care. people, listen up...i write a lot...i spend a lot of time in my head...thinking and playing and writing...and i want to go back to why i started this thing in the first place... a place where i could write exactly what i want, without caring who reads it or what they might think... chances are, you would be wrong anyway...i am just that unexpected. so if i let my mind stumble in a happy buzz across the keys...you might get something like this... today i remembered why i don't let people in, why i am afraid of caring and letting people care... "i am afraid you will die"...because i think i am cursed. i am not alone in this...and that is why hester is my best friend. and i out right refuse to believe it sometimes...refuse to believe that we could have been through any of what we have been through without it meaning something...something more than being stuck at 27 with no idea of how we got here or what to do with it... my mind is a full blow interwoven tapestry of things sordid and pure at this moment...and i am in no frame of mind to do the untangling... so bear with me. oh! please do not let me forget that i have football practice saturday at 2ish...and i forgot laces...damn! i called and asked for a reminder. not that i am that forgetful...except i am when it comes to me. and i am going to go to bed here very soon...why ruin a good thing, eh? my playlist is fucked up...skipping wildly across the board with all kinds of moves... full of my little 'surprises'... *feigning innocence* what surprises? i am finishing my last drink...cause i obviously have not had enough, i am still typing... and since i am still writing...another drink down...you might get something like this... and i have discussed this with a few people...i am a watcher. i enjoy watching and thinking... and i enjoy watching you... small glances across the room, when i know you aren't watching...and wouldn't notice the furtive looks even if you were... i smile at your looks..."oh, what looks"? i think of being tangled in damp sheets ... and you are always moving. i might think about following the delightful curves of your shoulders down your back, your sides falling and rising in to your hips....tracing down your thighs and sliding down in to...you. soft and warm and wet and so willing... so many possibilities, such time constraints... and so i tug and toy with restraints and boots and wax... and then get caught up in the feeling touching myriad of you... and i usually end up melting in to the sweetness only to look up at the pull on the back of my neck or your hands pressed... and my eyes will glint and i am taken by the urge to sink my teeth in the nearest spot and take you over with force... and on the other hand...cause that was all with my right hand...*insert laughter* so anyway, over here on the left...my fingers are typing out innocent little children's stories...yeah. and you know...i forgot what i was saying, and that is okay... i am not sure what i might say anyway... except i need to do things and go to bed...i have to sell baseball cards and get shoelaces for football tomorrow... i am going to find someone to im so i can keep procrastinating...this is too much fun!
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