droning on about things...
2002-12-28 ~ 4:36 p.m.

i slept much later than intended. i was tired and i slept restlessly, dreaming much of the night.

i need to do laundry and take a really hot shower...that sounds nice.

i have been sitting here thinking about a problem i have. and i cannot fathom why i have this problem...but in respinning the film of my history...i see it everywhere. i cannot seem to motivate myself. i cannot pull that from within. and it sucks. it is why my creative writing classes actually made me better. not because i actually got any better, but because i had to write. shit...i laugh at myself when i just can't say things directly. blondie hated that too. *laughs*

i don't motivate myself. to do anything. but why? is it some deep seated - trauma related issue? some profound lack of a sense of self...worth? is it something else entirely?

it does not matter. i need you to motivate me sometimes. all of you. have high expectations.

give me something to climb towards, because my faith is so fragile.

and yet so decidely strong.

the stark black and white of it all makes me want to grab paint brushes and make us some rainbows and sunsets.

i want to believe myself capable of anything again.

...previously... ~ ...next...