enough to make me moan
2002-12-29 ~ 3:49 a.m.

tonight was mia's birthday....yay!!!

everyone had great fun and her birthday continues over to tomorrow as well...yay!!!

i am home now...

tonight i am going to spin cycle, down.

turn it all around.

my fingers hang suspended over the keys, afraid. release in the letters, none to be had then found then shattered for me.

none of it.

go ahead, let me.

let me dwell and ponder and passingly reflect...

look back...

it is the time of year to do that.

about to embrace a new year, a new me, a new life, there has got to be something better.

this has been the most fucked up, warped, distorted, chaotic mess i have ever made.

but no mind. i took myself out of it months ago. and that is not what i dwell on at all these days.

there are new thoughts swimming in my head...in the gray mush.

i am thankful to be here, in this house. things in and around me feel off kilter and it throws my balance sideways in to the streaming subconscious path of oncoming vehicles.

i know i have been distant this last week or so. i get stuck in my head sometimes and can't seem to find the way out.

i want, need and crave release...

shimmering scarlet copper laced with sweetness.

and i can almost taste it...

so close.

someone is strumming a bass line in to your vein, pumping it in just a little harder...just a little faster.

there is a scream lost in the background, coursing through the night...

..."i'm gonna have a drink and walk around...i've got a lot to think about..."

i am slowly faltering...

and i am so close i can touch out and reach it...just almost. enough to feel the current running over...over...

it really is enough to make me moan.

may your dreams be cotton candy sweet, blanketed with the fluff of clouds.

have a nice night*

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