entry eater....the spirit and the mind
2003-01-14 ~ 12:06 a.m.

fuck you for eating my entry...

not that it took much time to write. not that i really give a damn...

it is just the principle of the matter.

and the fact that i could never recreate that...it was pure genius.

lost, forever.

i cannot even recreate that mood, much less the moment...

i like conversations. they tend to move me to thought or action...

it is funny ...

those things which compel us, draw us, force us and inspire us.

and i still have the feeling that something in the horizon is askew, but i am going to walk forward however i have to.

gnashing my teeth at the fates and telling the wind to "bring it on" are a life story for me. maybe one day i will learn. then again, maybe that is the essence of my spirit.

which is what both of these entries started out being about.

it is not our mind...it is not our heart...

it is our spirit which makes us beautiful. it is our spirit that makes us strong.

i was thinking of "a beautiful mind"...of virginia woolf...

of being called a "nutcase".

of the blithe witticism such a comment contains.

go ahead...stamp an acronym on my ass and send me down the line for faster processing.

believe that mental illness is stored safely away in a petri dish in some laboratory somewhere. instead of being cultivated in homes and gardens all across the world.

believe that it runs in my family or that my genes are contaminated...believe whatever you will.

and while you are believing it...remember the face of a little girl with haunted eyes.

watching the one person in the world who is supposed to love her and keep her safe, leave her in hell.

try explaining to her that what is happening is not her fault and that there is someone to catch her tears.

watching her life flash before her eyes through the shattered reflections of pain and blood...of nudity and obscenity...

look into the eyes of an adult, so overwhelmed with loss and grief and horror that there is nothing left.

and you know my philosophy? until i was 25...this is what i said...

i was abused...a lot. so what? so are a lot of other kids.

i was neglected. so what? ...

we have buried more friends than most people ever know. so what? ...

of course i minimized it. what did you expect me to do? my burdens were no bigger or harsher than those of anyone else, right?

that way, it is my fault that this whole 'mental illness' thing happened. because at least then everyone else can sleep better at night.

tell me...whose face do you see when you close your eyes?

you see...when you speak other people might hear you and people should remember that.

i am just one person.

everyone falls off the edge of the world sooner or later.

because, yes, the world is flat...and it can be a long way down.

and it doesn't matter that you fall, what matters is what you do when you land.

- - - - -

and so the young girl steps up to the edge of the world and looks out and sees nothing. it is a rocky point that she stands on, and the water of the oceans of the world are comforting in their steady downward tumble...

i can smile as i re-write the parts of this i recall just as i did when i wrote it the first time tonight.

because now it doesn't have the same effect on me. because i am not standing on that ledge anymore...not holding the knife with bloodied arms and wild eyes...looking for some kind of escape.

what happens when a comment like "nutcase" is made...do you know?

it makes you want to explain.

it makes you feel like you have to be explained.

that you have to somehow be justified.

- - - - -

that fellow was on to something when he came up with that whole gravity and mass thing...

because when i fell, i hit long before the drops of blood that were trickling down my arms...

they are still raining on me today.

....

coffee is brewing in the kitchen and i am thinking of bed. of sheets untouched. just thinking, mind you.

...previously... ~ ...next...