cartoons...
2003-01-15 ~ 2:07 p.m.

i didn't update yesterday...

i just had nothing to say here. i tried.

"it's not happening....it's not happening...."

that is what i chant to myself as i wake up these days.

i have even caught myself saying it in the middle of the day when i have been awake for hours...

this morning the nightmares got me. i have been running full speed for a long time, not looking back...but today they came at me from unexpected directions.

the images have been fading steadily for hours, but my skin...my mind...still prickled with fear.

i woke up around 9...tangled in the sheet. my scrubs and shirt were soaked and it was cold. i knew i was at home, on some core level...but i was also drifting...

my last conscious thought was that i should just get up then and try sleeping again later...and then they pulled me under again. still gasping for air.

i have turned the heater up. and am getting ready to face the cold tile of the bathroom...to soak for a while.

to shed the film of dream-residue that coats me.

and shed it i will.

yesterday was just errands and such. though i did have the girls take another 1/4 inch off my hair...

when i walked in they applauded and asked if i was back for another show.

seems i gave my first stand up performance in the hair cutting place. and when i amde a joke about beng a comedian yesterday, they all believed me and asked when i was doing the improv. i was the one laughing then. yeah...so if my hair is crooked we know why.

last night was a very social evening for me...a night of various inspiration...

hester came by...we laughed. we pondered the 'deeper' meaning of "snoopy", we talked of mrs. shoemake....hester inspires me in a way like no one else. perhaps because she remembers the missing pieces of me? or maybe they aren't all gone.

my next little visitor was by far the funniest. she just came by to eat my fries and have a coke and watch the osbourne's...and i was quite inspired.

then a jo called and she needed to vent about her day so she came by...only she didn't vent. we talked for a few in the kitchen...and then we were all sucked in to the osbourne's like a vacumn.

and we smoked and laughed...and it was great fun.

i was saddened upong their leaving. yet, still inspired, i commenced to thinking...while i brushed out jazz.

i thought about the cartoon about the little birds being pushed out of the nest when their mother thought they were ready to fly. how in the cartoon the father bird rushed down to save those who didn't quite get it. how the one little bird just couldn't fly. and how he finally did.

and i wondered why...if one is born with wings, they still have to learn to fly.

and what of those birds who fall in the real world? would you be th kind of person who picks it up and wraps its wings and keeps it safe until it could fly again...or would you step over or around it.

the phone rang then and it was trey.

we talked for a while and it was good. trey is unbelievably good to me.

we talked about my mom...and work and ability...and he has more faith in me than i do myself i think.

going back on the phones rather terrifies me. the old joke about switching over from tech support to management being a brain washing job move is true in some ways. all i know is excel....?! *grin*

"i think i can...i think i can."

i am going to watch the cartoon network and eat cereal now...?

i hope you are having a good day*

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