....way out in center field
2003-01-27 ~ 12:47 a.m.

i have writer's block...i have no character development...i wish that i had a dumpster, i am in the mood to clean out. (this rarely happens...and should be taken advantage of)

and then i was distracted...and then i was here thinking of things...

solidify...

i need this whole. the pieces have been falling and falling and i haven't even tried to second guess it...and i won't. but i need something to be whole. to be real. me.

those pieces of me. i gathered them all up and i am just sitting here. and it is time to make some choices...

but first, i have some things to finish. i have not been doing this for over a year to no avail...and i need to finish some things first. before i am ready to go back to anything.

and home...? *sigh* yeah. i am going to plan an impromptu visit. and part of me wants to invite someone...to come with...to take some of the pressure off...because i am fucking terrified of what i am going to do. and part of me wants to just suck it up and do it. do what? sorry. i forget that you are not in my head. this is not the gay thing...though it is sure to follow. no...this is much more basic. they don't know me. and honestly, i don't know them. this is my mother, my father and my two brothers. and it is preferred by the matriarch that things stay that way...this stasis. and i am just determined to upset the balance of things.

and 'the good lord only knows' what will become of this...

hester, what is the deal with the families? what is the motherfucking deal? can we just take certain family members over to the meathouse one at a time and spend some 'quality' time 'reviewing their family performance metrics'?

and i understand that i am blowing this out of proportion, relative proportion. but it is still a gamble. my mom is not doing well. my dad, by her accounts, is not doing well. my brothers are clueless. little bubba is lost in his hunting....big bubba is lost in the guts of a computer....

and i am no different. in fact, i am worse. i take with me all that is me, and all that was me and i show just bits and pieces and disrupt things in their world...and come back to mine. and what then?

or is it as i am suspecting it to be? ...

whatever ripple effect, whatever consequences...

this moment is worth the investment.

retseh...maybe you will be home that weekend. maybe we should go see daphne. i dreamed of her.

or maybe you and me and richie and my brothers all go to the crockett inn? holy shit...how funny. we would all end up in jail. it would be scandalous.

i apologize for venting about my family so much lately....but well, this is my diary. and that is the "issue" at hand.

you see...i can't explain. but i did not grow up like most of you. i grew up wild and free, roaming pastures and woods. in a place where time stands still. in a stephen king kind of way. i grew up in a place infused with energy...and yet not at all. we had cliffs with waterfalls and hot springs and water towers and dirt roads and old churches...we stole watermelons and did very irresponsible things with fireworks. sneaking out was the equivalent of walking out your front door...because really, where were you going to go? there was nowhere to go...haha...even still, we meet at hester hill and we might try the cemetary.

and the people. what genuine characters. it is like norman rockwell took a xanax, drank some moonshine, donned a coonskin cap and had all kinds of fun.

and i am lost in a see of faces and pictures of places, stored away in my mind.

and while i don't understand the signifigance...while i just don't get it at all really...

my family...my home...so many things...

resolution, justification, closing some doors and opening some windows. maybe even building staircases.

it is ripping me apart. all of this. wound up so incredibly tight.

and before i can go where i want to go...i need to go back home. i need to take care of things.

for fuck's sake...i just want to sit down with my brothers and have a beer and a smoke and share some understanding. i want it to not matter. or i want to know, with finality, that it does matter.

and this entry was not going to be about all of that. not sure anymore what it was going to be about actually.

i am going to do something crafty now.

yes, i said crafty.

...and because i just thought of it, i will be adding my new favorite web page soon. the finger page. the "fuck you" page...the pictures speak for themselves.

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