it is tomorrow
2003-01-30 ~ 5:44 a.m.

my hand has "you suck" written on it...??

i dunno...

if it weren't 5 in the morning and we weren't in dallas...i would be calling hester right now. we would meet down at the store...we would walk...and we would talk...cause i want my friend right now.

night before last, one of my old agents was at the loophole. i didn't say anything...cause i fired his ass...but still. strange to see those faces.

new metal!!!!

new balls for my tongue...new hoop for my eyebrow...new hoop for the ear.

i will never go home. i will never be welcome there. not for what and who i am.

only two people were ever supposed to love me...

and they did...until one day they didn't anymore.

though i am happy drunk, i am still drunk...

75 cent rum and cokes...

and hester and andy came out and it was so cool. cause you don't know how much i missed my best friend. you have no idea.

so i have been sitting here...just thinking and stuff...

tonight i saw shayla!! and she sat with us. that kicked ass!

did i mention that mouse guaged my ear down to a 12 for me? *grin* it stings like a motherfucker...*grinning some more*

i think i forgot a lot of stuff... comrade says i closed my tab...but i swear i did not. *shrugs* i kind of need to know how much it was...?

i am still drinking. don't know that i will stop anytime soon...

"the deeper you stick it in your vein...

there's no more thoughts, there's no more pain..."

pain...what pain?

i told comrade i was sorry. cause i never meant to feel this way at all...hell, i am still fighting it off. but i did and i do...and she knows. and that is okay. cause i think she understands. no, i know she does. and she knows i never meant to. she is the fucking rock of gibraltor...err, whatever. so many years...you will know me forever, like it or not! *sticking tongue out*

and hester...it was so cool! and i am drunker than i was. and that was the silver jacket that i put on at your last birthday...and that was funny. you and i will be meeting kerri kuehl for dinner soon...yep. and you, motherfucker...use your gift!

don't be the dumbass i was and throw it

away. cause you my friend, you are special. don't you dare forget that. and don't you dare go another year wihtout using it. i mean it. you have more talent in a half note than i ever had in any pen stroke i ever made. besides, you need to get rich so i can just live off of you for a while. hehehe

and comrade...for knowing all my faults and insecurities and loving me anyway...i could not ask for a better friend. not sure what i might have said to you tonight or any other night...but you still put up with me. that says a hell of a lot.

and mouse...your friendship has been the gift of a lifetime for me. you wouldn't understand the depths you reached...the things you awakened in me. you remind me of all that is good in the world. emer and i have agreed that if anything bad ever happened to you...then the theory that bad things happen to incredible people is, unfortunately, true. you defy all the negativity that i believe about myself. they all thank you for that.

and ashley...ahhh, sweetie...i will give you your space, for i do understand. but you misread. for you broke my heart beyond it's limits. and you know i don't hold all the pieces. no, that entry was about something else. i only wish i hadn't broken my own heart so badly. and i am so thankful that you have found happiness.

and terri...doll face! very soon! ... i promise. maybe saturday?

and mel...hold on to it. whatever, whoever, it is...that put the sparkle back in those eyes. there is just something about you...yeah.

and trey...i wasn't ready last week...but i will be in about two weeks, i swear. i hope. i am trying.

*fingers crossed*

.....

i wish i could tell you...

wish i could tell you all.

i wish i hadn't thrown it away.

wish vicki bennett hadn't burned it...

wish it hadn't been crushed in the undertow of love and such mushy things....

but not really.

like everything else in my life...everything. when i was a child i prayed to be like solomon...how i envied the wisdom...

please tell me i am learning something...

please tell me this is going to be worth it in some lifetime...

dammitt. please.

why am i still covered in the shame of a child who had to earn love...and never measured up?

will i ever measure up? to whose expectations?

will anyone understand that i love without limitations, without expectations...completely, love.

....

have i mentioned that i am thinking about school again?

writing...no. well, actually...editing. hahaha. but yeah. i am good at it, believe it or not. and i enjoy it.

i have come a long way. those of you who have been with me during this ride...

i love you.

with nothing attached.

(unless you really want to wear that collar...) *smirking*

....

anyway...did you think this was the entry with names i was talking about? nope. soon though.

i should be in bed...

i just...

can't

tonight.

maybe tomorrow.

fuck.

it

is tomorrow.

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