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night...morning...whatever
2003-02-01 ~ 5:06 a.m.
it is 6am...i will not be confused this time. motherfuckers. went to the bar...it was great fun. left my smokes in dave's car...that sucks. spent the last few hours confusing one of the few people i care about. sorry about that. but i meant every word i said, and those i didn't say. ahh, you know me. a ball of string no one will ever unravel willingly. *smile* we had the world and we lost it... i offfered you the world and i fell short...and i am sorry... i offered you exactly what i thought you wanted, but i wasn't enough... and i fucking hate it. just because i understand it to be true doesn't mean i don't have to hate it in myself any less. want to know the one thing i hated the most? i thought you were ashamed of me. not like i know what that feels like... fuck. i think she told me to go to bed...to not do this. of course...if i don't do it now i might never do it, which might be the point...*shrugs* want the name with updates? *grin* i don't think you are ready for that... so let's do this... comrade...i swear we will sit down and talk if it kills me. i know. believe me, i know. mouse...i would ask you why you care. and then i would just ask you for a squeeze and be grateful for you. yeah, of course more than you know. *grin* as always, ashley... my little duck...learn little grasshopper, learn...and you did. and i am glad. because you deserve better than me, always did. and terri and alice...i swear, soon. and you can meet anyone you want to, trey and mouse included. and dee...i miss you. and mel...it never mattered what happened. my friendship and love is a given. ...and so i sit here, two smokes into this entry...wondering what i have said. in between the lines, of course. and who will catch it. and what it all means. all the while knowing that it means nothing, ultimately... it never did. it was all misread, misconstrued... when the fuck did writing become about grammar? *grin* i'm not crying///shhhh can i go back to dissociating, cutting, starving, and hating? .... i think i was better at that than i am at this. healthy crap. anymore. i remember a time when i was better at this... when i was willing to scale fences with wine and roses... ... where did i lose myself? where...and why? was it before he killed her? tell me. why do i hate myself so much for it? nevermind...i know the answer to that. i think i should have been stronger. been able to handle it all. when did i ever get so weak? why do i think this is weak? why do you? why is wanting to hold your hand weak? when did all the garden hoses turn in to snakes? ... do you want me to spill it all out, squishy things being mashed in the ink of a fountain pen? do you think they don't know? that i lied? that i fucked up? that i threw away my life? they know...they all know. no one ever forgets when you go to the "hosiptal" for therapy. so tell me...when do i get rid of the scarlet letter? ah, but there was a time... that i would shoot pool in "the club" with a smirk and take you for all you were worth... when i loved you silently from afar, because i would never say anything...(not because i didn't think i was good enough...just because i wanted you to be happy)... that i was a young pup in training...(i am sorry i ate your riding crop) *hehehe that we loved and loved well... that we professed love in a texas winter... a time that we danced beneath the rain... a time when i gave back massages that lasted all night... a time when i could talk and play with wax until dawn... ... thank you for the love. because i know you care...even when i don't. i swear i am learning...but i have a lifetime of unlearning to do. someone please stop me... i'm about to drive home. "nooooooooooo"..... shit...no one is stopping me. i should just listen to her and go to bed...yes, her ass makes a valid point...frank and bitch. well then. it is okay...no one understands me these days anyway. free love and nickel beer? what the fuck? exactly. did you ever really understood that i was going to kill myself that night? that i had given up? that it was all taken care of...and you, you were the beneficiary on my damn life insurance...and terri and karen and trey are the only people who stepped up to me...and you would have, if you had known...i know that. but they did...and so i embraced life. nd as much as i hate it sometimes, i am so fucking glad i did. and yeah, i know it kills ya to see me do this...but it won't be long. please...for fuck's sake... let me smile a little while. why do i give a damn about your approval? *raising eyebrow* why the fuck am i 27 years old and still thinking i have to earn love like some abused nine year old kid? *shrugs* how much will i owe my therapist?? motherfucker. and i'm not soirry about a damn thing, except everything i have already apologized for... interlude... "I want to tell if I am or am not myself It's hard to know how far or if it all could go Waiting far too long for something I forgot was wrong I don't know all the answers I think that I'll find Or have it within the time but it's all that I'll have in mind Until I fall away That won't keep us waiting long Until I fall away I don't know what to do anymore Until I fall away... My fear pretend that I'll never be in love again It's real to me but not like these fools and not like this scene I won't find or have it within the time If it's all rusted and fade in the spot where we fell Where I thought I'd left behind It's loose now but we could try Until I fall away I won't keep us waiting long Until I fall away I don't know what to do anymore Until I fall away... When there's no good answers To those new questions Another personal disaster There's nowhere to go but down..." ... i am going to bow out semi-gracefully now. have a good night* er, morning.
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