horoscope....etc
2003-02-01 ~ 6:52 a.m.

my horoscope...thanks to my muse...

see my guestbook for these great little insights...

Cancer:

When will your swirling urges for adventure boil over, Cancerian? When will it become impossible for you to keep ignoring the call of illuminating temptations and exotic sanctuaries? When will you finally give in to your longing to escape and wander? The astrological omens suggest the turning point will come soon. They say that in the frontiers of your imagination, the vision of a brave quest is already simmering. Where will the mysterious awakening lead you? To the ends of the earth? To the secret heart of a familiar stranger? To the gritty depths of your dreams of the future?

does that sound like me? you...shhhh.

yeah, it does. i want away. i want sex without strings. and i know whgat you think, so you can hush too.

funny how i get talkative when i medicate. fuck me...no, i'm fucking (k)carla...*i think that might be an inside joke* or a pun...? hahahaha

i have got to go. far away.

just for a day...just for a night...just for a fucking afternoon.

and yeah...i would pay to show you the stars at home. cause i am a sap...but ask anyone, it is worth it.

and just in case there was any confusion:

i will always love you.

i hate myself for loving you.

i think you put a spell on me.

how could i not love you?

...the only problem is this. and i haven't told anyone this. see...it is like a faucet...but there is no hot and cold. there is just on and off. i feel my feelings or i don't. and lately, well...i have chosen to not. until it leaks...and then i am fucked. not in a good way.

want to know why i want to go home so bad? not because i want to see how much older my parents are...to know how little time i have left...no. i want to go home because i am a pissed off kid. i want to go home because someone owes me some answers.

because i want to find...her. and him. and him. and i want the fucking truth. if i have to be so fucking honest as to lose out on the best thing that has happened in years....well someone else better be ready to do some talking.

for instance...

why....why, when they investigated dad did you make me live with alan? and i never even fucking said that...no one listened.

why are you so fucking unhappy? you surely aren't staying together for the "kid"...i am all 'groan-up'.

for instance, did you know...

that i have been in two three-year relationships? and you told me to cook a pot roast when she cheated on me? *shaking head*

not that i know what love is....this mysterious and elusive thing....no, not me. god, what you don't know...about how well a broken heart can work.

dave was right...they should have put the cohen version on the soundtrack.

hester...i got your email. it sounds like something i would say. let;s mke it happen. not forcefully...but part of it is getting out there. damn girl...i need you to sing again.

remember when we would wait for glass to break when your mom sang amazing grace?

i want you to be okay. why can't we all be okay? why is maria huffing paint in the park? why is...?

yeah.

hester, maybe next weekend? i really should plan...and drink alot in preperation.

does anyone else want to go with me?

home. stars. country.

i am starting to sound like peter garrett on too much weed....

night*

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