overwhelmed....me?
2003-02-13 ~ 4:50 a.m.

come on!! is this all you've got?? fucking give it to me! knock me on my ass...again, already.

just rock me in to oblivion...

or just let me sit in the corner and pat me on the head every now and again.

my shin bone hurts i am so tired...

sleep will not come tonight.

i'm just staring in to nothing.

of course i am okay. shhhh

she says i was minimizing. my mother does that.

it has been a week. wow. it really has been a lot. and i have truly been taking it in stride...but i am starting to leak.

and now i have no idea what to do. how many times can i get a miracle?

why isn't there a magic fucking wand?

and yet, i'm not cutting or starving or beating myself up...i am still holding my own.

but i just might drown, i know the possibility is there. or crawl in to my cave for a while...

family...

situations...after situations...after even more situations...

a bank balance of -129.64...

and "i can feel it all start slipping away..."

but the fun doesn't stop.

i have to write letters this week. more letters. i have already written letters...now there are more letters to write. dammitt. it never ends.

in the hospital you would read these out loud...so this will be my version of 'community'.

dear dad,

i always wanted to tell you about who i am. the person i became after the last time you checked in...when i was about 8.

i was afraid to tell you what they were doing to me every day. i was afraid if you knew the truth that you would never love me again.

i wish i had told you the day you came home, the day mom left me there with her until you got home...you found me sitting in the rain waiting for you outside. praying that you would get home early. that i could jump in your arms and tell you that they had done terrible things and i had done terrible things and i needed you to protect me and love me anyway.

i wish you had told me, just once, that you were proud of me.

i wish i had known that you loved me when you were yelling in a drunken rage through my adolescence.

i wish that i hadn't lost you to alcohol when your mother died.

when i was with you, i usually felt safe when i was younger. as i got older i felt hostile. now, i feel sad.

i felt happiest the one winter it snowed and we made a snowman that stood for three weeks and we ambushed mom with snowballs.

i felt the most loved when you carried me to bed after i would pretend to fall asleep on the floor.

i felt angriest when you hurt my mother.

i felt the most hurt when you made my mother cry.

i was always afraid of you.

i felt the most guilty when cps almost took you to jail...though you don't even know about that.

i felt the most shame when she didn't tell you about my graduation so you couldn't go.

i wish that you were happy.

i wanted to make you proud.

i needed you to be my father.

i accept that you lost yourself and couldn't help me.

i understand that you know pain.

i wish you would talk about it.

the last time i saw you was down on the backside of the ranch.

when i think about you now i wonder how clouded your eyes are. i wonder what you said to her tonight. i wonder what she said to you. i go insane wondering.

i want to tell you that i'm sorry that they took my childhood away and i changed.

i want to thank you for teaching me all that you did.

i want you to know that i love you.

~me~

=/=

earlier today i had some computer problems. i think blondie coming by jinxed it because it crashed right after she left. *grin* i let her cool down for a few minutes, and the silence unnerved me.

it was eerily quiet. ominous.

the news headline read: "Can Duct Tape Save Your Life" ....i was drawn to it like a lesbian to angelina jolie....

the governement has a list of things for us to get. duct tape is on the list. so is plastic sheeting. three days worth of food and water. they even want you to have prescription drugs. all of this coming on the heels of intelligence admitting that n. korea could possibly reach the west coast with a missile.

had a nice visit with blondie. her hair is long...and blonde. *grin* exchanged mail. hugged. things are good. she is going to new york tomorrow.

emer came by for a smoke break before class...then made a second "emergency" stop to get her pagers which she had left.

i called comrade. i don't know where we stand. i don't know what to do. it is right about here that i start gasping...and we are far from done.

i got that book an family dynamics and made it outside the house to blockbuster to get and watch panic room. i liked it.

we talk the time by it seems. so often these days that is happening to me.

little karla came home, kat called...there was conversation all around.

talk of the ocean. i can close my eyes and almost feel the mist...smell the salt...hear the wind.

i am going to crawl under my comforter with a teddy bear, three dogs and the new terry brooks book.

much love*

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