on and on and on....
2003-02-19 ~ 10:34 p.m.

everyone should tell shane happy birthday...yay!

miss the sue party ellen's...being sick sucks.

sat down to update, wondering what i've got that i will talk about here...

my assets...

a splitting headache from sinus pressure...

lungs that are rattling...

lots of technicolor snot...

a very sexy hacking cough...

no tv...

and no money...

actually...that would be negative money.

but hey...who needs tv when you have books? and i have fallen behind...trying to read four books amongst all the curves.

i was sick today. i vagueley recall crawling out of bed and stumbling in to the kitchen in search of water. after downing half a glass and crawling back in to bed i realized how bad i felt.

little karla came in and laid down too...hehe, you were between the (k)carla's. lucky you.

and then it was sweating through a fever and waking up to real chicken noodle soup. sorry if i was whiny, and thank you.

and now...now i am going back to bed. i need to change the sheets, but i might actually be too tired.

i have a book and i have chocolate milk.

despite all that has come and gone in my life...and what will come and go...despite the last few months...

i have some damn good friends.

it doesn't get much better.

i am going to pick apart my playlist and do a little more homework before i settle in to the good life...

"i want to be good...but good is being simple...simple is forgetting...and i simply can't forget..."

"snap back to reality and oh, there goes gravity...choke...he's so mad, but he won't give up that easy..."

i wonder if laura understands the end result of how she is raising her daughter. i hope that she does move here. our family is no example of how to raise a child.

i am really upset by the anger i have. i wonder if doll face and blondie remember me having this much anger. i think i have always had it...i just directed it inward. and now i am a loose cannon only because i am redirecting. what do you think? and yeah...loose cannon. i am fierce. still. even snotty.

"did we expect that life was ever fair, my god...

i sowed a field of rose and reaped a whipping rod

and everything i've held too tight inside

could make a part of me die

and if my lips could only speak the name

the dam would break"

damn i am angry. no wonder i spend so much time contemplating my fist on the other side of this glass. i wonder if they would just let me go in the hospital for anger management. why am i angry? that is such a hard question. because even though i might be angry...i feel like i shouldn't be. like its not allowed. then i start to question whether i have a right to be angry. at her. at him. at them.

what gives me the right? did i really have it so bad that i am this angry?

"...all the lights are changing green to red...turning over tv stations...situations running through my head...(i've been afraid)"

fierce dammitt...but afraid.

does it mark me a coward?

maybe. but i am not getting my other damn ear pierced or taking out my piercings just to make you feel better.

i want things on my own terms. accept me or not, but don't you dare ask me to change...i still give great "go to hell" looks.

don't think i don't know that i might be setting myself up for a world of hurt. it's my family. even some friends.

no wonder i am afraid.

"you stay all in one piece when broken

kind remarks, and your words soft-spoken

driving far from the path of destruction

coming ever so close to throwing it all away again

how much must I live through just to get away?

(all this tension and so alive)..."

comrade just called...i am off.

night*

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