a little more....
2003-02-26 ~ 7:46 p.m.

the day started badly...woke up immersed in dreams of hospitalization and running from unseen things...running right in to that damn playhouse and my worst nightmare...which was my reality...which gets confusing.

it makes you little...and it is hard to explain why i sound like a little kid sometimes...how i fight off completely switching out and off...

then remembering the last year and getting so fucking scared that i am too needy and too demanding and too little and too ... everything. and why today? why now? "oh for fuck's sake, carla...pull it together"...don't let her see. not this soon. the truth, the hurt, the pain, the shield in my eyes.

i will hold this together if it takes everything in me.

walked back in to my office a few minutes ago with these thoughts...

you walked away and my heart stopped.

so don't you dare look back...not now.

i have travelled miles and miles, at times crawling on my knees...

to get away from you.

and i did.

we will be friends, we will pretend like it is all okay...and one day it will be. but you owe me one hell of an apology. and since i know it got lost in the mail, i will be just fine.

i am just ranting and venting and thinking out loud. listening to the foo fighters...

"and i'm done...done...on to the next one...i'm done..."

and in current events...

(stop reading this if you don't really want to know what is going on with me)

been spending lots of time inside lately...since the house is covered in inches of ice that is melting very slowly.

spending lots of time watching movies and cooking...spending lots of time with her. yeah. stop asking. we talked...it was a good talk. it really did start with "uh oh"...and there was a sweetness, a frailty...stroking the sides of your face...coaxing out the words.

and while i am certain that things are, in fact, bad...what with the bills and the family and the shit that never seems to stop...

all of this other makes me smile.

your "uh oh" makes me smile...my being an ass makes me laugh.

the falling scares me...but what the hell, my bed is a cloud.

things are good.

i am doing laundry and cleaning and going to shower.

been throwing stuff away...managed to hold onto myself this time.

spoke with the hester about the moving in and such...all is well.

spoke with the comrade about the latest issue of maxim...the articles are great.

now i am downloading and moving along...

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