christmas in march
2003-03-11 ~ 2:16 a.m.

today i got christmas presents from my mom...

something cool, something cheesy, and something...else entirely.

i wonder where she found it...and what possesed her to wrap it up.

you see...she is a very noble woman. she is incredibly strong. she puts me to shame.

and i am having more trouble than you know resolving anger and love. finding some sort of livable balance.

in other news, i left the best possible thing in the world to come in here and do this and i keep thinking i should make it worthwhile. that the keys i am hitting should help me process this...

concerned about closing my eyes to this...medication or no.

but this is all there is. this feeling of being torn. i feel like pj must feel when he rubs against me while hissing. my anger feels immense and it scares me. i don;t feel like it is justified...so i am searching for justification while overlooking the facts. all the time, getting angrier...seething...and then loving and feeling guilty.

how can i love you and be so mad at you?

we turn to milk and salt at times like this. it helps the blue pill go down.

and then we move along to resolving the electricity problem.

and since we can't do that 2 in the morning, we go to bed...

or you lay in bed while i clean and organize my drawers...because it is time for spring cleaning.

it is time.

and there is a way. there must be a way.

i had a glimpse of something beautiful and fun on sunday night, sitting at the bar. something i have been wanting a long time. and for the first time, it wasn't at an intangible distance in the future. no...it was the weeks and months to come.

that alone would keep me smiling for weeks. electricity or no.

maybe christmas really is in march...and the best thing ever wasn't wrapped.

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