dysfunction junction
2003-03-23 ~ 5:01 a.m.

so much for holding it together this time around, eh slick?

so much.

why? what is it this time?

why am i clenching and gritting and bearing down...willing my eyes to stay dry.

little. now. of all times and any times.

because i don't feel safe this way. if i ever did, i don't after this year.

too many lessons learned the hard way.

and we blame it on timing or being crazy...or some other convenient excuse. when it really all comes down to me...

being little and too fucking needy.

and i am afraid. of shadows apparently.

"...i had to close down everything...i had to close down my mind..."

i feel better now...a little better than i felt before. not quite so spiralling down and around. not quite yearning for the blades...throwing every last centimeter of strength i have in to this.

i will maintain control.

and then my stomach turns and the natives get restless.

because you know what? i am tired.

so fucking tired...and i am falling apart behind the curtains and they don;t make enough duct tape to hold this watery mess together.

i want to ball up and sob.

and the worst part? everything is fine.

i know it is.

not real life. in real life i am aware that the bills are not going to get paid. that i can't find a job. that my parents haven;t seen me in more months than i care to count. that we went to war this week.

but i still know that i have the best friends i have ever had. i know they love me. i know she loves me.

i have no idea why i am such a mess. it scares me.

i don;t want to write here anymore.

what is my function?

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