fuck you crazy
2003-04-21 ~ 4:23 a.m.

before i ramble...

she made me a really nice easter. she made a fabulous dinner, we watched a movie and then went to hear some singing down at the local lesbian bar...it was a good easter.

now...in my head...

even if i had the words i would not put them here...

this place...no place...

can i feel safe.

everything is scathing...everything is abrasive...

it is only because i am opened up from the inside out and am sitting here on display...

unsure of what the next move would be.

i can't hide the crazy forever.

especially not when all i want to do is sit in a corner and rock.

it just hurts.

some days...some weeks...some months...some years...some lives...

just hurt.

the people to blame...the ones at fault...are just hazy ghosts in a tunnel-vision mind...

i just have to get through this...i just have to gather my resolve. i will most certainly not call for reinforcements, as we all know that means. no...i will sit here with duct tape and a smoke and i will be fine.

everything will be fine.

but that is not quite right.

i am getting edgy with a wild look in my eyes...the taste of blood sweltering on my tongue.

i am giving it up. i am going to bed.

be nice to everyone today. they are wearing disguises.

and for you comrade...we will toast to john cantu soon, and i am here if you need me.

and for you little mouse...i miss you and send you my love and a promise for dinner.

and for you emer...where the hell where you today?

and for you little duck...it was good to see you.

and for you hester...we need more beers.

and dionne...i miss your fucking ass.

and terri...where the hell are you?

and trey...call a girl sometime.

and shane...my rainbowbrightteddybear...big squeeze.

and mel...take care of you and drive that little blue bug over for lunch.

and hot sexy bartender/singer chick, the sex goddess, the bongo girl, the darla, and the silent violin...great drunken show.

and the chaplain...ah, i am on my way to you.

i have to tend to my responsibilities and get my shit taken care of this week.

and i am sorry about everything earlier...and i am sorry about this vein of hatred that makes my arteries shimmer with steel catching light glints...all directed at me.

i won't always hate myself...i won;t always feel the way i feel about myself.

but i need help here. i am no good at this stuff. it might as well be algebra...but what do numbers look like reflected back?

conundrums.

or is it really all about reflections and distortions and other things ending in 'tions'...

that make me feel worthless.

or is that i am tired of climbing and climbing and sliding and tumbling head first in to the dark cavern of nothingness where the only familiar spirit is pain...

where is my release?

the triggers are being squeezed, but i am bending the barrell to prevent it from escaping...?

i fight myself often and i am not sure i win.

all i know is that i know there are people who do...i trust them, despite every lesson i have learned to the contrary...

once again, it is myself i do not trust.

i am like a little ornament that you dropped once and pianstakingly glued together and set out again...only to have it re-smashed in to a zillion pieces...

reformation is hard.

especially when you are about to be functioning as a kid...and you know it. *shudder, switch*

good night, sweet dreams...

i have a girl and a teddy bear and fuzzy cuddly dogs. i think i changed my mind, everything really will be just fine.

...previously... ~ ...next...