never considered rock climbing
2003-04-24 ~ 2:56 a.m.

i seem to recall asking for a break the other day.

i do not believe that regan having either some form of cancer or multiple sclerosis constitutes as the break.

and of course i want to go. the third hand info is driving me crazier than i already am. i want to know dammitt.

this is slut cousin's little brother, to put it in perspective. this is the father of the quiet little 15 month old boy with the big eyes. i saw him saturday...he passed us and turned around to come say hi. he had a pistol in between the seats and he was his usual self.

they gave him the news above today...aunt debbie wasn't there yet. there is a test in the morning and the news is...if it tests one way it is cancer...if it tests another it is MS. so he got up and took off all the iv's and walked down to the doctor's office and told him he was going home. sounds just like regan to me.

tomorrow is the big day for comrade and i will still be there unless the news is bad...

though at this point, it doesn't seem like the news could be anything but.

i think maybe i shouldn;t have asked for a break.

you have no idea what magical thinking can do to me.

all i can remember is running over regan in my pa's golf cart. it got stuck in reverse and then the gas pedal got stuck...and then regan was a big lump hillary and i were driving over...

i really just wish this wasn't happening. that is a common wish theme in my life...one that gets me into the murky waters of dissociation every time.

instinct. do not let the crazy show.

i will go there this weekend i imagine. uncle danny went this evening.

in other news...i blew my power supply up this morning. it shots sparks and a little bright orange flame and then burped smoke.

it ws cool in principle to watch that...but in reality, it sucked and set me back a lot of money i don't have and consequently had to borrow. and she was really nice for that. she has been really nice in general, just putting up with me lately. for that matter, thanks to all my friends.

but, it is beautiful...and quiet now in here. the new power supply.

which mometarily decieved me...

because maybe...

you know...maybe it isn't so bad...isnt so tragic. maybe i should see it that way. there are always people around at the time who say we have to take these things one at a time...

but in case you missed it, that was a great big "fuck you" after the first dozen.

...

"where is the sacrifice...and tell me where, where is the pain..."

and you sir...yes, you...

tell me.

will it all be worth it?

look around. you can feel it in the air. instinct. it makes your skin crawl. something...just not quite...right.

nevermind. i am crazy.

and that...earlier.

it wasn't you or anything you said. it was the show. it is like 'a beautiful mind'...i don't think i could ever watch that movie again. sometimes they just do it too well.

because i can tell you all about crazy...and being crazy...and you will try to understand, you will even want to understand...but you can't understand crazy. if we understood crazy there wouldn't be so many doctors and therapists.

i've kinda been falling apart this week.

mel told me a funny about the titanic and duct tape today.

and the faux pearl snaps on my shirt are blue...that is truly spectacular.

and original oreos...though hard to find...are worth it.

that is what i know for sure.

there are things i still wish i believed in...

and then there are always the monsters under your bed.

i thought the hardest part would be undoing the deception and facing myself...but i am realizing the hardest part is learning to love what is left after all of that.

bloody hell.

i am going to go shoot things in the game and go to bed.

or sit here even longer, staring at nothing...

and the feeling.

the feeling...is...sad.

i hope your day is good.

they say this weekend will be beautiful.

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