dysfunctions all around
2003-09-03 ~ 2:12 a.m.

today.

part of me wants someone to tell me i am grasping at straws here. that what i see cannot be.

that we are just 'unique indivuals' with similar behavioral patterns.

today i called my ex-communicated, ex-sister-in-law. for the first time in four years.

and i pretty much told her what all has happened. my original fear that my bubba might be a tad ocd with a few schizo -sprinkles...that i am. and that i think her daughter might be.

but...maybe not.

and until today i didn't know. it was a five hour conversation. my ear still hurts.

and i am trying to put together the pieces of a puzzle for which i do not understand the structure. which means i want to. now is when i need an operator.

i don't know if i did the right thing. because, ultimately...a part of me did it for me, as well as for the whole family.

i laid it on the table...and if she believes me, if she trusts me...if she follows up and they get lucky and the right kind of help shows up...

do you understand?

i get to watch a little version of me actually grow up getting the things she needs.

because you know...it does make you needy. it makes me needy. and 'overly sensitive'.

and all my life, no one ever got it. i never even got it.

that, assuming there is anything.

so much of my diagnosis has hinged on the ptsd.

and so much of my life has been spent trying to explain...

that it wasn't the abuse.

tonight i am violently frail.

sleep well.

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